...the better off you'll be when this world brings you down.
well this kind of sucks. i was hoping i would never have to write this blog. because this blog marks the end of a friendship. or something like that.
you can confirm that a friendship has run it's natural course when it's ending is best described as cathartic. when it feels as though a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders, and heart, that probably means that a) you were never meant to be friends in the first place or b) the friendship has served it's purpose. it seems that in option b, you match the length of the relationship's valuable time with an equally as long period of awkward politeness. you try to clean up the friendship by sweeping underlying issues further under the rug and washing away any sign of hostility. this is usually done by clogging up everyone's facebook news feed with bumpstickers or inside jokes or photo comments from the 'sincere' memories. we hope that if things look okay, they will revert back to how they once were. or at least into a new form of okayness.
the whispers of genuine efforts are drowned out by the shouting fact that you are postponing the inevitable, probably so that upcoming birthday parties of mutual friends will be less awkward. plus it's never easy to admit that what once satisfied our insatiable appetite for friendship has now converted itself into the heaping pile of shit that soon follows.
there are two sides to every story. i like mine. i still hold myself accountable, but don't concede and don't believe that i was wrong in the dispute or in my decision to end this friendship.
the unique thing about this particular situation was that i didn't start a fight--i simply cut off communication. i am still debating whether or not this was cowardly, adult, or somewhere in between. i would like to think it was the adult thing to do, but i would also like to think that the Yankees will knock out Cliff Lee in 5 1/3 innings and exhaust the Philadelphia bullpen. this may be completely inapplicable to the subject at hand, except for the fact that neither of my 'hopes' matter, and that the scenarios play out as they will. this connection is a complete stretch. both of these things occupy my mind, however, so i must tie them together somehow.
the reason that i cut off communication instead of had a fight about the issue was because i feel as there is nothing the other party could have said that would repair what was broken. we had crossed the rubicon. so why should we both shout a bunch of things, half personal attacks that we don't mean and half justified anger, if it won't resolve the issue any way? what if i simply walked away instead of further investing myself is a situation that will ultimately stay the same? unfortunately alternate endings are for Goosebumps books and not this friendship. a friend, much suggested that i open up a conversation about it. he's obviously far more adult than i considering i didn't even view this as an option. but it's because with hostility swelling, a conversation is just a contained fight that is reiterating the fake mild mannered bull shit you are trying to get away from. and a conversation still would fail if you feel that their is nothing you can say. also, the fact that neither of us cared enough to have the fight OR the conversation is just another indicator that it would come to this anyway.
let's start with my accountability because it will make me look better. the names and genders of those involved have been kept confidential to protect the innocent and the guilty. everyone in this situation is a little of both.
just over a year ago, i broke an unwritten friendship rule. this is why i am a writer. i don't believe in unwritten rules. i like them written out clearly-- sometimes metaphorically in stone if they are REALLY good rules. but this is not how the other person operates, which is something i knew going into the situation. although personally it feels inherently wrong to not believe what someone is saying, i should have "known better." ultimately, this is what the fight should have been about, and it should have happened a year ago. there is also a level of hypocrisy involved that i was blind to until i was fully aware of the situation. and i HATE hypocrisy. this was something i tried to come clean about to the other party, but they were dodging me at the time, as i suspect they were probably trying to avoid exactly what i was trying to do. third, i must admit my hubris. my tragic flaw is that i have a very long fuse, but the end of it is an ugly sight. i find myself straddling a line between complaining about every detail and letting grievances build up inside of me until one major thing airs them at once. this ultimately blindsides the other person, because they are unaware of how ANNOYING they are. because i am better than everyone else. (totally kidding).
our friendship caved into an outside force. or perhaps an accomplice to the friendship murder. (outside force sounds like star wars and accomplice sounds like law & order. since i know nothing about star wars, we will go with that and call the external force a death ray, which is probably incorrect but definitely ironic). some think i am too sympathetic to this outside force/death ray--self included. and quite possibly the death ray itself. the easiest cop out would be to blame the death ray, which is incredibly tempting but also incredibly 'in-the-sxth-grade.' real friendships don't give into the pressure of an outside force (death ray). they break because they aren't strong enough on the inside to resist any form of weathering--weather it's a tornado or a light drizzle. weak sauce.
my pain comes from my openness about this external force (death ray) with the other party (Luke Skywalker). i made myself vulnerable to the other person (slash futuristic space creature?. upon a few swift actions (included but not limited to lightsaber fights) i felt like the rest of my friendship was spent trying to accept something that was felt unacceptable. then, in the back of this closet holding many a skeleton, there was a sprawling web of lies. i assume this metaphor came about because webs spin out of control, catch your prey, are very delicate, and easy to destroy. when actions are covered by lies, the mountain of forgiveness can suddenly avalanche. these actions that once seemed like they were coming from an honest mistake travel to spite and revenge. and that makes 'best friends for life' pretty shortlived. it also make what you are actually fighting about very convoluted.
a textfrontation initiated by the other party soon ensued. (i really want 'textfrontation' to catch on). we both pretended we wanted to be adults, even though we secretly wanted to have a meet-me-in-the-cafeteria style fight. we both said that we are trying not to blame the other, even though that's exactly what we were doing. it's like how when someone says 'no offense, but...' and you know they are about to say something offensive. we both wanted to blame the death ray, even though we knew it was between Luke Skywalker and Fill-in-a-jedi-here. (spoiler alert: Luke's Dad is Darth Vader). and so the end was cemented.
i learned a lot, but also learned absolutely nothing. i think i already knew what to do, and how to do it. i just hadn't had the guts to go through with it. but a new apartment and a new job cultivate an atmosphere that inspires you to rip up life by its roots and lay new seeds complimented by the most fitting perennials.
reap. and. sew.
the world has kept spinning. the galaxies near or far far away stayed aligned. the Yankees are ALCS champions again. and on we go.
-k.
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