"head up straight i know what i'm doing
head up straight i know what i'm doing
head up straight i know what i'm doing
...i don't"
lately these lyrics from Charlotte Martin's 'Four Walls' are cycling through my head. after a good cry with my sister i was thinking about how full of shit we all are. hear me out.
i think the smartest people aren't necessarily the most knowledgeable, but are the people who realize that constantly learning is an invaluable skill. the smartest people are the ones that don't fear the unknown as a threat, but view it as an opportunity. the smartest people are the ones who plunge into uncharted territory while recognizing limitations. the smartest people don't struggle for control of the uncontrollable or even fully want to. the smartest people admit that we may have knowledge--even expertise--in some areas--but as far as life in general goes, we have no idea what the hell we are doing. the smartest people recognize their limitations and weaknesses, and utilize their strengths to change them. the smartest people, in my estimation, seem to be the most courageous. and it takes a lot of courage to admit that there is no tried and true universal formula for how every is supposed to live. and it takes a lot courage to have faith that this is true.
earlier i was discussing with my friend that i feel the fundamental difference between she and i is that i start from a guarded place and break walls down while she is naturally unguarded and has to work to protect herself by constructing walls. together, we could save an emotional construction company a lot of money. neither of these philosophies is better than the other and they both provide an oddly fresh perspective. but the valuable common thread that they do share is gauging where your 'smarts' according to my definition is. and i am no Merriam Webster. but there is a certain level of trust that neither of us have a real answer as to what works more efficiently.
when i was young and my parents struggled to answer the weird questions only kids can raise, they used to say that they would "look that up in the parenting handbook." they were pretty upset when they found out that my sister and i didn't pop out with some kind of hand out. i remember my mom had a Girl Scouts handbook, but I think that was more about badges and cookie sales sheets. similarly there is no handbook to life. we can only assume that life is supposed to turn out this way, because it is. if you don't believe this, you will probably swim in a sea of regret until you drown, and with any luck end up here anyway. if you escape the harsh waves, you make the best of what's around.
lately, according to my own definition of smart--well let's just say i haven't hinted at shattering the blond stereotype. i've been fighting for control that i don't have, and won't have, across the board. i've been so worried about keeping it together i've forgotten the value in falling apart--or even just being a little messy. i've forgotten that there is a middle ground between being buttoned up and a total disaster. it's called human or something.
what i was able to sort out that everything is as complicated as you make it. sometimes complicated is good. complicated can yield depth--it can lead you to places you would never go. i know plenty of people who have depth that never have faced traumas, but sometimes the road to depth is messy.
but other times me just need to K.I.S.S. and keep it simple, stupid. or an 80's metal band. or an affectionate verb. sometimes all are required. most encounters in life are complicated enough. if we add our own baggage to the recipe, we are only tangling the web further. sometimes this is inevitable, and we can only manage where we are emotionally. but other times the answer it just to boil it down to it's raw bare bones. if your past is hindering your present, how the hell do you expect to build a future.
i'm working on making my daily life as simple as those "see spot run" books.
i'm trying to keep things simple--even my predicates.
-k.
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Now playing: Missy Higgins - Any Day Now
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