belated new year's

a friend of mine reads my blog when we aren't talking about the yankees or playing sporcle. he noted a lapse in my posting. it occurred to me that i owe everyone the obligatory "new year!" post.

usually when i lack in posting it means that i'm either a) leading a really boring life b) leading too busy of a life or c) trying to figure out what the fuck is going on in my life so i can try and figure out a way to articulate it. this time was both b and c.

i love my new gym. it's like Globogym in the movie Dodgeball except with better hair and no hilarious huge black sidekick named MeChelle. there are a million machines, 2 million towels on every floor, and their snobbish Upper East attitude means i can be rude when blaring my mp3player. this is a far cry from my gym back in...Astoria (insert condescending Manhattan tone).

Fitness Point in Astoria was a far cry from the perfect body machine that is New York Sports Club. it cost $200/yr, many of the machines were broken, but a little bit of everything was available. there was an adorable dog owned by those who ran the place. while charming, that yapping dog would bark enough to shake you from your elliptical.

what i remember most about this gym was the odd T.V. choices that ran. rather than your typical e.s.p.n., music video, or token chick movie station that normally cycle while you are cycling, this gym ran the news, the history channel, and the discovery channel. it was really weird. most of the time that i went, i was positioned slightly off centered from the show Nature's Deadliest. it made my really glad that the only jungle that i live in is made of concrete. the whole premise of the show was about your surroundings can poison and kill you. and by surround you i mean envelop you if you are strolling through the heart of the jungles of Vanuatu or the mountainous Hunzas.

i made them turn off this show when the A.L.D.S. started. afterall, i had to watch Mark Texeira make defensive plays and begrudgingly watch A-Rod succeed. i still hate that guy. but Nature's Deadliest taught me more than what scorpions to avoid and what plants are poison ivy wannabes. the premise of our surroundings poisoning us, and even killing us, runs deep. not only are you making a decision to utilize something toxic, but you may not even realize you are making the decision to do so. in fact, you may even view it as a resource.

ain't that the truth. lately there has been a disparity between what i want and what i should do. dave ramsey, who inspired my fear of debt and hatred of creditcards, said that "children do what feels good, adults devise a plan and stick to it." i've been a child lately. sometimes i think this is ok. but sometimes i give too much weight to unhealthy habits that sneak their way into my life. it's one thing to have their presence, it's quite another to cultivate them. then they go from an unhealthy habbit to an unhealthy lifestyle. i can feel myself getting farther from what i ultimately want. in a way, getting closer to what i want as a short term satisfacatory dillusion clouds my long term desires. usually, these short term things are more often than not fun with only slight twinges of self loathing, but they add up pretty quick. and while this self loathing is only a splinter, it runs deep, ultimately because i am making informed decisions that i know are harmful. i am picking the poison ivy on purpose. i am chasing the sting ray, knowing that it's called a S T I N G ray and what happened to steve irwin (too soon? see south park's thoughts on AIDS being funny).

i sound pretty mature for recognizing all of this. i sound pretty lame for knowingly not following through on healthy decisions. but that introduces the dichotomy of head vs. heart. i *know* there are certain decisions i need to make, and that there are certain people who are poisonous to keep in my life. i know that usually when i cut out these poisonous people, it fucking sucks. but then i usually feel a lot better. but i also know that my instincts are telling me not to let go. that somewhere in my guy the bittersweet treasure is ultimately a win, that pain coming with pleasure is worth it. i know that when i don't trust my instincts i more often than not regret it. i know that this contradiction between how i think and how i feel is somewhat irresolvable because if i fulfill one, i end up wondering what life is like if i take the other path.

i wonder what version of myself is the true me. if we are pretending to be something for a day/weekend/week/year/millisecond, aren't we genuinely--in this moment of pretend--being just that? how are we supposed to discern between head vs. heart, between guise and truth? and what if both feel comfortable?

my new year's resolutions are to learn music, get more organized, shed a few pounds, and be more honest with myself. that last one kind of just started.

i don't think i'll ever have the answer to these questions. but if anyone needs a remedy to a spider bite and a spin and a brief sprint on a mediocre treadmill, there's a cheap gym in Astoria that is happy to keep you. just beware of dog.

-k.