instinct vs. logic

ever just jump so far off the deep end that you don't know if you can swim back? ever been scared that you are okay with jumping in cannonball style into a directionless sea of uncertainty? ever been unable to tell whether or not you are courageous for being so honest or pathetic for being that helpless?

fool me once, shame on you
fool me twice, shame on me

what about the third time?
and every time?
who do we blame?
does it matter who we blame?

blame doesn't matter if you are knowingly going to fight the same battle.

shouldn't we be trying to determine whether or not we are utterly masochistic or beautifully devoted? if you believe in something enough, it won't always come true. so when the door doesn't fully shut us out, why don't we shut it ourselves? why don't we lock it? why don't we barricade it?

logically we know we should.
we know we should opt for the healthier Situation (and it's abs).
we know we should move on.
we know we are better than pathetic.
we know we are better than helpless.
we know we are better than shameless (except for Garth Brooks).
we know we are better than playing games.
we know we are than anything that isn't straightforward, honest, and simple.
we know we are better than creating our own complications.
we know we are better than playing the fool.
we know we are better than "always on my mind."
we know we are better than everything feeling like a sign.
we know we are better than everything being a reminder.
we know we are better than the pain.
we know we are better than feeling like you invested so much, what's a little more?
we know we are better than listening to Janice Joplin's 'Piece of My Heart.' ever.

but unless you feel that way, you can "know" until the cows come home, which sometimes they do in Binghamton. you can "know" until you are blue in the face. but sometimes our instincts lead us away from our logic. they can lead us down a selfless and selfsacrificing road that may turn out to be a huge waste of time and/or money. they can make you question your selfrespect, but oddly enough validate it in the same breath.

it's a real pain in the ass when your head and your heart don't sit right because then you end up awake at 4 a.m. writing way too honest blogs because you feel like you know someone's soul and they know yours. or if that's too dramatic, they at the least make you smile from the inside. you concede all of your power at the risk of looking like an idiot (again and again....and again).

it's ironic because I was great in Logic class. i could write you three step arguments and identify the "Bandwagon" theory all day. and i would enjoy it too. but outside of this setting, logic was never my strongest suit. i was terrible at math proofs. my dad is amazing at them. when he tried coaching me through proving that a hypotenuse was the longest side of a triangle, and would get increasingly frustrated and want to scream "LOOK AT IT! MEASURE IT WITH A RULER! OF COURSE IT'S THE LONGEST SIDE."

whether something seems right in my mind, it is no match for how something feels. i usually regret not following my instincts because i always wonder what would happen if i did. i'd rather go out on a limb with the risk of it getting mowed down than wonder what would happen if i was still fiddling around it's stump. to paraphrase my favorite songwriter, landing hurts, but at least you know how to fall. emotions can override whatever thought process you may have. what's may actually be in your best interest is only relevant if it feels like it's what is in your best interest. something in the pit of your stomach just tells you to go for it, because even if you crash and burn, at least you won't be left wondering why.

i used to not be this way. i used to be guarded. i used to hide. i used to start the games. i used to put up walls. i used to run. i used to be vague. i used to be 'complicated.' i used to pretend i had no depth because it was easier than acknowledging what i've been through. i used to keep an arms length from anything i cared about. i used to bull shit. i used to worry about how i appeared than how i was. i used to drown in trite bullshit phrases like "it's just the hand i was dealt" and "i don't think you get me and what i've been through, and i hope you never have to." i used to think my pain was unique to me, which on some level i suppose it is, but on another level is completely tokenly adolescent. i used to love cautiously. but love isn't cautious, at least not the good love.

i'd rather be an open heart than a bleeding one. i'd rather be the fool on the hill than too scared to climb. i'd rather feel like i did everything that i could rather than think i did. i'd rather get bit in the ass by my own bravery and willingness than by my own fear and closed off nature. i'd rather someone know i care in the most pitiful, heartbreaking way than keep my Ace in my back pocket. i'd rather be honest than harmless. i'd rather be genuine than "kind of sweet." i'd rather care unconditionally than at convenience. i'd rather be me than someone who "seems" easier to be with. i'd rather live by my own motivations than comply with what every thinks a 22-yr-old girl should be. i'd rather be a challenge than someone who always says yes. i'd rather tell you it's not okay than lie. i'd rather take the risk than be safe. and maybe i'll break something, but it wouldn't compare to the pain of never having stretched.

i guess we will see where my instincts get me. for now, i'm trying this balance thing.

"some things are meant to be
and some things are are not
this is one of those things"

-k.