i stole that from friend.
i was recently told that my blog is kind of dark considering how bubbly and happy i am in person. i feel like i should explain. (i'm not in any danger of severe depression or declaring Fall Out Boy my favorite band. i promise.)
i've never slept well. my sister never slept well.
when i was little, i used to make my parents lay down next to me. then they had to sit at the end of my bed. then they had to sit a top the three stairs at the end of the hallway that led to my room. then they had to sit at the bottom of the full flight of stairs. and yes, i would get up and check.
my dad used to travel for work, so my mom had to deal with my sleep troubles and my sister's simultaneously. in fact one time, i was crying in my bed, while my sister was crying in her room, and my mom split time and the tissue box between both of our rooms. finally, she realized we weren't going to sleep any time soon, and that my dad would be landing at the airport soon. if we hurried our up-too-late butts out of bed, we could intercept him between his landing gate and the cab ride. keep in mind this was before cell phones existed. but we had to leave THEN. so my sister in her flannel night gown, and myself in my Aladdin nightgown (third grade gift from Aunt Laura and Uncle Tommy) prepared to leave. just as we were busting out the door, our family dog, Bailey, who my dad never really wanted in the first place and rarely warmed up to, decided she needed to go out. with no time allotted for this, my mom decided Bailey would come on this trip to prevent any accidents for my dad to come home to.
off to Binghamton Airport we went. it was like the Bradys but born out of more chaos. once we arrived at the airport, we realized we can't really just take the dog in. so my mom sent my sister and i to retrieve our surprised and exhausted father, as she waited with the dog at the other end of the airport. people probably thought we were a little insane as two grammar school kids were running thru the airport in their pajamas.
when we got home, the tears disappeared and exhaustion set in. it was decided shortly after that my dad needed to stop traveling for work so much.
but we didn't sleep for long. soon the nightly tossing and turning transitioned from 'i miss dad' to 'what the hell is adolescence and why did God think it would be a good idea.' laying down with your own thoughts can be one of the most difficult parts of your day. it's amazing how much energy you can put into doing nothing. it is only when my head hits the pillow that everything i need to do and everything that is weighing on me creep in.
i've been thinking a lot about why, an overall happy person writes about overall unhappy topics, usually at like 2:30 in the morning. recently the idea of individuality has been marinating in my head. the idea that as an individual, we are just an insignificant spec in the grand scheme of something far greater, but also as an individual, the human elements we possess are in some ways all that matters. the greatest factors of human connectivity are love and pain. that's why i think it's no accident that they so often present themselves as a duo. great pain can open the door to great love, and great love can open the door to great pain. dealing with pain is often through finding ways to love yourself, others, a higher power, etc. so even though i more often than not write about pain, am i truly ignoring love? there is a lot of value in lessons learned from both. besides, who wants to read a blog about how much i love everyone.
go turn on z100 for that.
-k.
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