let go.

have you ever absolutely screamed words in your head at someone that you can't actually say out loud? this drives me up a wall at warp speed, full throttle to the ceiling. it absolutely haunts me when i carefully conjure up scripts of conversations that never get spoken. they spoil in my head even though much of what i want to say has no expiration date.

most of my readers are probably surprised that i would even hesitate, much less be unable to say something as i often fearlessly jump at the opportunity to challenge or assist someone. or in brutal cases, attack someone.

however, when that conversation ventures into uncharted territory, or 'parts of the unknown' if you follow wrestling, and you also are clueless as to what reaction you will solicit, it can be hard to spit the words out, and REALLY scary.

recently the words i keep tripping over are "you're an alcoholic." it's odd that i can't open up this discussion, because alcoholism is a reoccurring force in lives of people i care about; people i REALLY care about; people i love.

part of the reason this conversation is so difficult to have other than the obvious difficult subject matter is that when i see this person, said person tends to be drunk. this is what i call confirmation. opening this door is also difficult because as shared as many traits of alcoholics/addicts in general are, everyone reacts differently. the spectrum of how an addict, or anyone responds when you have an unpleasant conversation rips out whatever readable nuggets you were grasping to and converts them to a ripe unpredictability that has a very possible chance of ending unfavorably.

i wrote out talking points. i wrote a letter that i never sent, and i don't know if i ever will. i've mapped out every possibility of what i would say on every given reaction. i intentionally exited on the wrong side of the subway on purpose to try to force fate into one of those magical encounters that ends like a movie montage with the most fitting soundtrack ever. but fate, by very definition, is not forced, and writing out notes on potential reactions is certainly not formulaic.

the hardest part of the whole conversation that i can't have is knowing that i can't be the one to turn someone sober. i can't make it my problem, and for once i don't want to. since i can't talk to the addict about it, i've been talking to god about it. i pray that he won't be sick with this disease anymore. i pray he won't die. i pray for trust that this will work itself out. i pray to surrender control i don't have. i pray to let go. he's a man of few words, but he gets the job done. usually in a mysterious way or something. today, this person told me he's going to try not to drink next week and see how things go. suddenly i could have the conversation, and i had it with confidence and surprising ease. i didn't even have to recount the fray's "how to save a life" more than six times.

i'm not saying this person will stay committed to sobriety, or won't relapse, or that it will be easy, or that it will make a huge difference in his life, but letting go allowed me to release both control and the words i've been clinging to for what feels like forever now. i feel redeemed. even if there is no great results, i know my cards are on the table, and they are all showing. you can read my pokerface. take that, GaGa.

-k.

if alcohol has become an unmanageable force in your life:
http://www.aa.org

if the drinking of someone you know is affecting your life:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/



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