i know two dudes in Astoria and i know where they keep their spare keys. this way i can let myself in rather than wait at the door for five minutes while they argue about who has to pause episodes of 21 jump street or take a break from the monkey balloon hunt game to let me in.
recently i let myself into their Astoria abode, "the Basment Upstairs" (www.basementupstairs.blogspot.com.... you're welcome) as one of the apartmates, Dan, was taking a shower and the other, James, was at work. i snagged a beer from the fridge and picked up "The 7 habits of highly effective people" off of the coffee table, which was covered in boy things, like video games and batteries and take out menus. on it's most basic level i HATE this book. i hate any book that says you must possess a specific set of traits to function a certain way, never mind in a completely subjective and immeasurable 'highly effective way.' but Dan takes long showers because of his lucious ladymane, so i made some headway into Sean Covey's infamous-and-possibly overrated--work. from my 48 page glance, it seems like the guy may have a point or something.
he introduces the habit of interdependence. i don't think interdependence is a habit as much as a trait, and i don't know if it drives us to be 'highly effective,' a definition which he never clearly defines. interdependence can arguably make us healthier. but underneath these technicalities lays a genuine core. interdependence, to paraphrase Covey, is the middle ground between fierce independence and poisonous dependence--a tip off that your stability is reliant on outside players. too much independence, which is where i lay when straying from interdependence, can keep you from being a 'team player' in the office. you become so self-reliant that you ignore others clear cut cues into the task. too much dependence makes you appear lazy and as if you have no mind of your own. interdependence is the balanced scale that prevents us from relying on others to make our personal goals a reality, but it welcomes improvements and support from others and won't fortify the guard that is naturally ingrained into "professionalism" or i believe, "life in general." it's a learned skill and evolutionary process. it demands the frequently discussed self awareness factor.
we sometimes forget to check in with ourselves--probably because everyone else gives their two cents whether we ask for spare change or not. we are bound to tilt toward independence or dependence--nobody is that 'effective' 100% of the time--but if we are trying to crawl toward the center, we're stepping in the right direction. the more clearly we see our proven strengths, weaknesses, morals, values, dreams, hopes, and what not, we also have a less cloudy definition of our role as employee, brother/sister, friend, son/daughter, mother/father, romantic partner in crime. the outlook on your internal relationship isn't so overcast, either. the version or image we project of ourselves doesn't always align with who we know we actually are. who we actually are acknowledges flaws; flaws that we are bound to try and bury when projecting an image to others. the more clearly defined we are through interdependence, the closer who you are and the image you project are to overlapping. and as the degree of separation between these lessens, the more confident we are in who we are. it's clear. interdependence is a fast track to balance and self-criticism. it's up to you whether it's constructive. like any self-assessment, it requires risk. you may not like everything you see in your reflection, and asking others to help change this is hard when you're staring at yourself. asking them not to take the reins entirely is also tricky. unbridled dependence means that we aren't in control, and we won't learn for next time. we can't concede our sense of self and backbone because it's easier to dodge accountability and fear. blinding independence is a speedy highway that constructs roadblocks with your internal and external relationships. if we strive for interdependence and fall out one side of the scale, at least we know we were reaching for the best version of ourselves. if we jump to dependence or independence, we find false safety cleverly and foolishly disguised as superb trust of false hyperproactivity. young adults often wear masks at each stop on this spectrum before discovering this sweet spot, and when we hit this stride we're scared to fall into it because of it's comfort. i've danced on both wings, and i'm glad i battled toward interdependence than hid anywhere else.
it's been sort of effective or whatever.
-k.
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