"you know you can look both ways and still get hit by the car" --Bryan Fenkart, Middle Man
i accidentally taught myself a lesson and i think it lead to my first "artistic choice."
i write song lyrics. plenty of them are in metamorphosis mode because i have someone who is composing arrangements to set them to. it's a lot less terrifying when my writing/emotions is/are safely locked away in three main notebooks, all of which are accidentally the color pink and most of which have that new notebook feel to them because they were purchased while i was inspired on the go and forgot to throw one that i already had in my purse. whenever i am writing, i try to keep my words genuine and accessible. but when lyrics and music fuse into a song, the words leap off the notebook pages, or sometimes computer screen, and grow alive with a certain authenticity that you can't describe and you can only feel. that is if you're one of those music people.
there are some people who could listen to Ke$ha and John Mayer and don't see a difference because they've both frequented Z100. most likely they connect to a different form of expression on a deeper level. i'm not on of those people.
lately i have been struggling with one of my own songs. it's because it's about a fight that ended a friendship that i don't at all regret ending. it's a complicated situation with a simple resolution that was initially painful but evolved into liberation. i don't know what hurt more: the feeling of betrayal from what transpired or realizing how invested i was in something that i find really easy not to care about anymore. i guess in part it's easy not to care because of what transpired. situations break into black and white when true colors show through.
reopening my songwriting notebook can reopen cans of worms that i thought i had shut so hard only my dad is strong enough to open them. these worms are used as bait to go fishing is a tumultuous sea o revisited emotions that i swore i was done navigating. the reason i was struggling with this particular song was i know it is a bias representation of what happened, which, is not honest. it's simply my side of the story. i recognize that the truth usually lies between your own pure white view and the blacked out version of reality you think your new found enemy has. the song is about my feelings rather than my role in the argument, which is certainly honest, perhaps too much so. i firmly believe that the purpose of music, and any art, is to discover hints of ourselves in these art forms; to find the human in "the humanities." it's not far fetched to say someone could relate to this song. finally i decided if she wants her side of the story told, she could write her own damn song.
most people think our friendship ended for a different reason than it did, possibly including the other people involved and definitely outsiders. sometimes the last straw appears to be the sole reason a relationship of any sort ends because the previous frustrations are swept under the rug and/or unfixable. it's hard to acknowledge the ugly damage someone has done to you because you are conceding in some sense, that this was "a waste." i don't believe this is true, you can only do what you believe is right to do at the time, and that's it. if someone proves you the fool, it feels like a painful error in judgment on your end, but you should never have to predict a break in trust.
the real reason we aren't friends is far different than the perceived. i'm very okay with that because i would never want the actions in my personal fall out to dictate someone else's friendship. hopefully this person will learn, and there is no use injecting your baggage into the relationships involved. nobody should be defined by an isolated incident, shamed or celebrated.
ever have someone do something that is so disturbing, so far out of the rhelm of what can be construed as a valuable relationship, it makes YOU feel like the crazy one? it amazes me that some people's brains are wired so crossed that they can sell themselves, and sometimes you, justification for their absurdity. i'm full from the lines she fed me, and broke from the ones i bought. best friends forever can be pretty short lived sometimes.
i could have had the sweetest revenge. i could do immeasurable damage knowing what she's said about me and others and situations and herself and the world. i could end other relationships in her life, probably with the other person involved. i could make her take a nasty fall for all the lies she's built herself up on, hiding behind a sweet facade, hyping her half way actions to fill in for the vacancies she really should have been there for. i could dismantle mutual bonds in a demonstration of her backwards priorities. i could have everyone on my side. but i'd rather walk away with the burns i have and treat them through my own inner strength than dodge the unsettled ash of a volcanic situation that i fueled. i have plenty of faith that karma prevails, and plenty of evidence to indicate that it will. people will see beyond the deceiving, seemingly harmless outershell and will watch the reveal of the selfish truth that lays within. i don't have the time, strength, or immaturity for that. but i have a song.
besides, she's not "one of those music people" anyway.
-k.
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Now playing: Bryan Fenkart - Middle Man
via FoxyTunes
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