Friday, July 6
"prepare for a series of comfortable miracles"
she looked like an employee from American Eagle restocking merchandise, but she was just sifting through my collection of wrestling shirts to wear to her and her brother's first ever WWE event. her brother had gotten tickets to a wrestling house show for his birthday, which thanks to his invite ultimately ended up being a gift for me as well. as he patiently waited for his sister to select a shirt from the array of merchandise that i toted from Manhattan to Allentown, i realized that my interest in the WWE is teetering on obsession.
the more I apply it to real life, the more I realize that teetering is a generous verb.
one of my favorite wrestling terms is "kayfabe." Kayfabe is basically the suspension of disbelief, or the ability to make a fictional scenario feel real. it's how well the wrestling world tinkers with/plays within the rules of the imaginary world that we're buying into. it's largely determined by a performer's ability to commit to his/her character, regardless of whether he is the "good guy" (face) or "bad guy" (heel). even if he/she is getting kicked in the face. for kayfabe to really show up, the characters involved have to fully uphold their beliefs, and not acknowledge whether they are applying them for "good" or for "bad." they simply have to be them.
in a world where consequences and rewards are scripted and beliefs are laid out on a storyboard, it's still a very finicky concept to master. in life, where character is formed, not written, and contexts are inevitable, and not predetermined, it gets even trickier.
WWE fans, marks, and haters alike are hungry to uphold kayfabe. we want who we are and the roles that we play to be so clearly defined that we can articulate it--even boast about it--on a microphone to thousands of people, and we want to be proud of it. we want our every and every move to be such a genuine and direct link to our character that they dismiss our need to maintain appearances and thwart inescapable looming judgements. we want to be unaffected by whether our outcomes make us the "good guy" or the "bad guy." we want to acknowledge that our greatest strengths and weaknesses make us vulnerable to either, but that we don't care. we want our decisions to be born in a vacuum, and to never doubt whether or not our reactions are aligned with our character. we want to be this unchained from hesitation, reluctance, fear, and distrust in ourselves. we want to be this certain; this connected to who we are. we love self-discovery, but we really love the security in a script.
there's something that has always floated in the cloud of my own character. it's been coming to fruition with more and more clarity.
i know 25 is a bit young to be feeling my mortality, so i hope this isn't as grim as it sounds, but we don't have a lot of time here. we're blessed with this one life (that we know of) and we get one chance at it. i'm young, but i have a lot of yesterdays in my rearview, and i know it's important to make plans, but the future is only a conversation. we only really have now.
so, i've decided that if i could define my kayfabe with anything, it would be to authentically approach every layer of my life as if it's vocational. this is my oath to myself. i know injecting this much zeal into my daily life, and up-keeping the areas it's already present in will be exhausting, but i also know that it makes possibilities infinite and dreams operational. it also makes the huge volume of these desires less daunting and more opportunistic and achievable. commanding this perception makes me unmesswithable. there isn't a lot that i can't control, but i know that if i grip what i can control with unwavering ferocity, the uncharted will fall into place or render itself inconsequential.
i will be a machine of victory, and my losses will come without regret. nobody will defeat me because they are better, faster, stronger, more passionate, more dedicated, or more committed than i am.
to me, it'll just be luck, and luck is for losers anyway.