chemistry sucks.

i cannot stand sitting through my Chemistry class. or any Science class. or Math class. or class in general of late. however, as my professor unnecessarily harped on the *title* of the class, my mind, naturally was elsewhere. the course is called Chemistry and the world around us. the only way I make it through Science classes are by thinking about it in an English mind-set. my passionate hatred Science, which is fueled by my lack of understanding it, lead me to immediately remove all scientific associations from the class title. how does Chemistry interact with the world around us? it is a dominating factor in so many of our relationships, romantic or otherwise.

chemistry with friends, at least on my end is directly correlated with trust. the two things I ask, or rather demand, are loyalty and honesty. they usually come as a set. i have a really difficult time trusting people. betrayals fortify towering walls that block out trust to begin with, which are further guarded by a mote runs deep with restlessness, grappling, trying to determine whether damaged relationships are worth keeping. there is a trapped door in my metaphor, too. it has no symbolic purpose, I just think that they are really cool. "Those look just like Dane's eyes!" Dane Cook fans? but honestly, two traits have attracted me to most of my friends over the years. either they let me joke around and keep my distance, which keeps my safe and does not run the risk of being hurt. this is probably an underlying truth in why I have so many guy friends. the other thing that attracts me is a far more admirable quality, which is that said friend lets their guard down first. i've always admire people who are able to take that gamble, to roll the emotional dice and start those conversations that we all relish in, but are usually too chicken shit to start. relatability is a highly underrated concept. self-analysis leads to relatability, which ultimately leads to those deeper bonds that we ultimately are seeking. maybe this is why i have always been such a sucker for all things creative--it keeps us human. i feel like that these two qualities though large are not hard to maintain, but i never have to go far to be proven wrong.

most of my friends do let down their guard first. they usually make fun of each other for this sensitivity, or call each other gay, but i think that we are all so aware of why it is necessary. it's a risk, it makes us vulnerable---most of us hate this fact, but it is where so much trust can be built if you let it, or so i am slowly learning. it's freeing when someone does unlock you're emotional chambers, and then does not abuse the privileges. perhaps one of the most beautiful things in life is when our emotions are harvested, cultivated by those around us..

a lot of loyalty lies in the unspoken, in knowing that we are going to be there when called upon, whether it's 3 AM, in the middle of class, or miles away.


-k.