forgive and forget?

"i never thought that the eyes of my patience would see the end of her own fuse"

i have been getting in a lot of fights lately. perhaps it is a lack of patience, as i feel burnt out so much quicker than usual.. most people tend to relax over summer, but for me it seems to be just as stressful of a stretch as an 18 credit course load, except the stress is more positive and often times fun. but it is a stress nonetheless. maybe my patience for people is just running lower as these conflicts tend to arise more frequently. maybe it's PMS. regardless, issues with friends have been more common of late, and so i immediately wonder why this is rather than resolve the problem individually.

none of these fights have been major---mostly minor spats that end as quickly as they start. talking out issues is necessary and is the root from which closure can be drawn whether is ends for better or for worse. but in some scenarios, no matter how much you talk about it, or think about it, or deny it and pretend its okay, or write about it, and just make the decision to put it behind you, unresolved feelings still float around inside you, and ultimately will find their way to the surface some day. i forgive you, i'm sorry, it was both of our fault, and seemingly endless amounts of other phrases act as coda in the final verse of both minor tiffs and make or break arguments. but nothing can undo the hurt or damage that these cause, it can just hope to open a door that allows us to cope with it in a more manageable manor. If we really did feel okay with the end of every argument we were in, why would any of these issues reoccur? and furthermore, why when arguing about something else do you hold these so-called resolved issues against them? even if they are not vocalized, they are still at the forefront of your mind. and if they are vocalized, the argument occupies an entirely new part of our hearts, and our focus shifts from the original issue into a competition of who can exploit whose skeletons in the closet.

repeat offenders make us wonder how they could do this---again. When issues arise a second time, the past suddenly becomes very much a part of our present, and realistically our future. otherwise, the notion of again would not cross our minds. once someone hurts you, no instance of pain caused again by that person, no matter how small, can every truly be isolated again. we look at that person with a new filter, perhaps a more judgmental one. But we are perfect, and have certainly never hurt them or anyone, so we have earned that right to judge, haven't we?

at least pain is a real emotion. you cannot continue any sort of relationship by dwelling on these unresolved issues on a daily basis. nothing can be reversed, and having someone execute ridiculous antics to prove that they are sorry is really nothing more than a gimmick and a meek attempt to satisfy something that in ultimately unsatisfiable, and certainly will not be satisfied by a less harmful form revenge---diet revenge if you will. what do we do when something triggers this restlessness? we fake it, and act in the role of something who has closure on an open situation. most of us are not that convincing as actors, especially when our pain often is displayed in the theater of the obvious. lately, however, i have been able to pull of this stunt and trick many people around me. I would like to think that it helps me sustain relationships and move on, but really i think it is a worse offense than what initially scared me so indelibly. no amount of "okayness" is worth compromising how authentic you are as a person, and equally as important how genuine your relationships are.

even when our conclusions are spoken and logically concluded for the best, we can't help but be overwhelmed by nagging emotions of restlessness that force us to doubt ourselves, our relationships with others, and more often than not our relationships with ourselves. it's hard to lay your head down on the pillow and fall asleep when not everything is okay, but you act like it is. unfortunately, the truth can contradict what we truly hope for--- no matter how hard we try, we are not the proverbial slates that can be wiped clean as we would like to think.

-k.