friends leave you waiting in the wings when they tire

this past summer brought upon a brutal, far less than easy mentality shift in how i view friendships. i feel relationships with other people and relatability are the true engine of society; it's what keeps us human. it distinguishes us from other species.

lately i've come to understand why other species don't have them like we do.

i have often rehashed the notions trust, loyalty, and honesty and their importance. applying these values to relationships was typically pretty easy in the past, but lately they have been buoyantly floating in a sea of grey. i've also distinguished between surface friendships, and genuine friendships. before i thought that was just the nature of things; some people you connect with on a deeper level, and some people you just tend to shoot the shit with. you need both in life-one keeps you grounded and the other lets you fly. but i am always a sucker for the more genuine ones. i thought that this was what nature intended, a relationship Plinko (i miss bob barker). are we more than chips that get gently tossed around at the hand of over zealous contestants and questionably attractive models? some people have been unknowingly dancing upon this line. it's strange really. sometimes, you can never trust again after a bond has been broken, but you can still salvage some level of friendship. on my end this transition is done with sad undertones and hesitation, but it can work. other times, it is too grave. there is no allowance for transition. the death sentence was implemented because of an unforgivable mistake or a mistake one too many. and the most favorable option is full repair and restoration. it takes trials and time, but you can eventually retain where you originally were.

then comes the action part. what side of the line does who fall on and why?

stay or go. facebook or defacebook. give a shit genuinely or fake it to avoid drama. or don't care at all. actions speak louder than words, but i think words are actions themselves sometimes. and how do we escape that paradox? we don't. we analyze. we over analyze. we play out a million hypotheticals in our heads and call it a plot, when 90% of them you won't encounter any way. yet i know i insist on dwelling on people's language. what a waste of time, emotion, and life. people don't think about what they said nearly as much as you do in all likelihood, and what everyone says is subject to change anyway. there is too much circumstance flying, and whatever debris lands will not be what was originally intended.

so why do i let it get in the way? why don't i go out there with the same ferocity that i attacked with before these perspective changes and this over thinking? because vulnerability is scary? that makes me seem somewhat cowardly. i guess that's why we are human. not anything else above or below that. and that part i am okay with.

-k.