onguard, but not fencing.

is it possible to be completely guarded around yourself?
i didn't think so. i mean you are you right? who knows your inner most secrets and the deepest depths of your soul better than you do?

now i was born and raised catholic. i didn't get confirmed because, call me crazy, but at the age of fourteen i just didn't know how much i buy into the whole "i'm certain this is what i believe for the rest of my life" thing. really, it was more of a "who i should sit with at the cafe, because i fit in with the art geeks and the popular kids" kind of phase. and i don't mean the kids who deigned themselves "cool," i mean the people who were actually liked, and not hated/envied. coping with this and how to make a catholic school dress code look cool was enough for me at 14. deciding my thoughts on a higher power for the rest of my life *just* wasn't something i could determine.

i do believe in something going on that we don't know about, that is for sure. i mean this whole world co-existing is just a bit *too* big of a coincidence. also, i feel like something greater knows you better than you know yourself. because if a higher power, (or as my sister calls it 'HP') doesn't know you better than you do. first, that's really boring. second, how do we have personal moments of weakness. is it just denial that you finally come to realize? and if there isn't an HP, how do we eventually come to realize this? experience? growth? other people's mistakes? natural order of things?

i thank said HP for these moments of weakness, but it must mean that we are fooling even ourselves at some point, doesn't it? i have a lot of doubt and a lot of things that i'm sure of. but like most people, most of my life comes somewhere in between. in that fantastic, gray, pile of shit i still have to figure out. which is the worst and best at the same time; it's that whole life's a journey thing, with the roller coaster metaphor of ups and downs and what not. but somewhere along the way, we trick ourselves--leading to these moments of weakness. i shouldn't say weakness, because i think it takes a lot of balls/ovaries to realize these moments. but it makes me wonder, if i am guarded to even myself, what are others missing? what progress could i make if i just figured out who the hell i am? and what could others contribute?

if we keep catching these little moments of ourselves, what are we and the others we know missing out on?

that's a whole lot of questions with probably very few answers.
maybe someone else's blog has them. and good for them. and OMG, give me their URL. or should i say, OMHP.

-k.