for me, inspiration for a fresh start can come from a just about anywhere. some are sparked by an internal moment of strength, or weakness, that open your soul's flood gates, washing away the dirt of your twenty-somethings, leaving you with a squeaky clean slate. other fresh starts are built into the natural order of life. a break up, a dead friendship, new year's resolutions, a new job. recently, i experienced both the internal moment of strength--or weakness--it has yet to be determined, in correlation with the fresh-start move.
i now reside in a charming three bedroom apartment in Astoria that has an old fashion charm combined with an old fashion 'thingsfallingapart' milleu. the cons of tile falling apart in the shower and the pros of the beautiful molding and french doors even out. or if you are a sucker like me, the enchanting style wins in a landslide. since i have moved, every morning has greeted me with sunshine pouring in through the towering windows. when i start my day just blocks from the subway, i am showered in the goodness of local bakeries and nail salons. i can shop on the trendy yet affordable Steinway street. the trip to my local grocery store is measured in seconds. i am 20-30 minutes from midtown manhattan. i live with my sister. and i have anything i need at my finger tips.
it occurred to me that fresh starts are more of a mind set than anything else because i had all of these resources in new jersey in equally as close of a distance. everything i needed was within my grasp, just as it is in Astoria. my commute to manhattan was only ten minutes longer. the local Pathmark was a stone's throw away. there was a great bakery at the train station a block away from my apartment. so why does everything feel so much easier when i am on this side of the bridge? why was this move so cathartic when i am further from the majority of my friends and CLOSER to the mets?
maybe feeling like you are in a rut doesn't mean that you are always in one. but isn't how you feel the rut's key ingredient? i always try to appreciate what is around me, and most of the time, i feel that i succeed in doing so. but maybe being in a rut is a load of nonsense when everything that i could need is still so readily available. or maybe these 'natural order' fresh starts are only new beginnings because of the emotional ties that they carry. every change is a transition to some extent. perhaps this is why it's so easy to rip up our lives from the roots and plant seeds of the 'new.' it's why we get hair cuts and a new, untainted hoodie after we break up with someone. it's why our New Year's resolution list vows that we will lose those 10-20 lbs this year. it's why the room in our new home reeks of ajax and windex when our old apartments are lost in a sea of dirty dishes. it's whythe desk at our new job is filled with office supplies as our old notebooks and pens from our past chapter lay in the garbage.
so why do we have fresh starts that don't come as a staple in the cycle of life? maybe these new begginings are just stops on the long and winding path of growth. starting over isn't always sparked by anything more than the desire for change. sometimes, it is simply the order of things. sometimes, we are fed up with others and/or ourselves. we can get so caught up in how things are suppossed to be that we get lost as to what is going on right now. instead of simply living our lives, we picture them. and chances are, the picture is bound to get smeared. bad. or atleast have a few imperfections in the paint. eventually, we embrace the notion of coloring outside of the lines as oppossed to our initial reactions to stifle it. stifling these emotional changes is like pumping a balloon with air. we can float away freely if we cut off the stifling force that is expanding us into uncontrollable directions. but if we don't we pop in a loud and dramatic burst.
this week, i had an interview for the first job that i really want. normally i am empowered by a new suit that i bought, or sexy-but-professional high heels that force my posture into confidence and my chin up high. but my new move allowed my confidence to come from within, which part of me always knew was there, but i was unable to tap into. i felt empowered, i am woman! hear me roar and all the jazz. it was one of those days where i could feel my past fleeting behind me with each step forward. it was one of those days where you feel the Rocky montage pulsing through your veins. it was one of those days where you scroll through your ipod for your own theme song, because you are feeling damn good. i hadn't had one of these in New Jersey in a while, even though my resources were very similar. but now i don't question the decisions that lead me to this fresh start by emotional means and i accept the forced new beginning that has packed away a chapter that i am ready to move on from through this move. the places and people that are meant to be and want to be by my side in the next part of my plot will be. and actually believing that--well that kinda rules =)
-k.
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