what's black, white, and gray all over?

i dashed around the corner to pick up some last minute dinner at the conveniently located and always classy 'C-town' grocery store the other day. outside, a group of pigeons had congregated between the rusting red rods of metal that divide the uneven sidewalk and store entrance--a common occurrence. but on the outskirts of this gray feather maze stood a white pigeon, sporting patches of black that almost appeared spray-painted. not only was this bird singled out by color contrast, but it was as if he was squeezed out of the pigeon hole by it's peers who were indulging in a feeding frenzy on a stale piece of bread that was probably discarded from 'C-town' itself.

i promise this is not a blog about the injustices of racial profiling or affirmative action. .

at some point, we all feel like the white pigeon. we lay hungry on the outside of our friends who are gobbling up the fruit of this stage of life. we wear a different look than the norm for our age, gender, etc., forgetting that we are all actually just people--at least outside of this metaphor. we are isolated. we are alone. we are standing on our less that impressive talons, just trying to maintain balance and composure. and if we are lucky, once the Ring of Normal breaks, we can swoop in a salvage some of the leftover crumbs.

i'm pretty sure birds can't smirk, but this white pigeon carried itself with a satisfaction as if it could. it wasn't fluttering in chaos. it wasn't frantically pacing like the others. hell, it wasn't even trying to break into the pack and attack the food.

recently, a friend and i discussed the importance of honesty in writing--not only with your readers--but with yourself. she has a point. writing can keep you in check. writing can keep you from falling into the trap of sugarcoating. basically it can prevent you from bullshitting yourself, even if it makes you vulnerable. so here it goes.

lately i'm the white pigeon. i'm on the other side of the bridge from a majority of my friends. i'm still in the battle for employment, although that load seems to lightening. i live a completely different lifestyle than i did when i was in college and during my immediate post-graduate life. many others are maintaining this lifestyle.

some friends are fading into the backdrop of my successful four year college stint, while other staples i know remain regardless of how often i see them. most of those who have faded have gone quietly, others with a loud, hard thump that ended an inevitable dying cause anyway. sometimes the final nails in the coffin reveal the grave that you were digging at all along. that was a lot more morbid and depressing than intended, but seemingly valid.

but that's what happens with time. you grow. you bloom. you change. people enter and exit your life in both temporary and permanent stages. the motivated, fresh faced adolescent you enter as never matches the older and in some ways wiser version you become. you want new pieces of your life. you want different pieces of your life. and you want to cut weight you didn't recognize as dead to begin with.

so after the personal and interpersonal shake up, you're the white pigeon. but the white pigeon was patient. the white pigeon was secure. and the white pigeon could stand on it's own--at least until a future 'C-Town' customer breezed by, and all of the birds scattered.

most white pigeons are just a flight away from their peers at the next park or local grocery store.

-k.