faking and fibbing.

living through smoke and mirrors has never appealed to me. if i was, i'd be a Red Sox fan, admiring their ability contend in the A.L East with mediocre/injured pitching year after year. i like raw (both the adjective and WWE). i like honest. i like genuine. i like my bones bare. stripping people to elements of nature is what connects us as humans. it's why i never liked polite conversation that you have with friends you don't fully trust anymore or family you haven't seen in far too long. it's why i can always outwit the canned interview questions i've been hearing with every job opportunity.

honesty is composed of far more than simply 'not lying.' it even penetrates the next layer of honesty as transparency. the highest level of honesty is discovering yourself in the most basic human form. this demands a sobering awareness of self--facing the image of yourself in the mirror with a naked reflection--and without flinching at what you don't like in even the feintest way possible.

but also sometimes you have to totally bullshit yourself in your best interest. yes this is a complete contradiction to everything i've said and believe on some level. but part of knowing yourself is knowing what/who your weaknesses are. and sometimes this demands a level of self-trickery. when what is in our best interest doesn't align with what we actually want, you adapt a "fake it until you make it" mentality. if you're a good enough liar, you can convince yourself that what's in your best interest is what you want, because it actually is. it's just not how you feel. if you're a good enough actor, you can convince everyone around you that what is in your best interest is really what you want. i don't know which is more valuable, i suppose that's circumstantial. i haven't yet figured how to make the transition between what's good for me and what i want as seamless as it could be. forcing it results in a lot of pep talks with myself and me making the right decision lately. trading the quick spurts of pleasure for what is ultimately the right decision has being paying off in a big picture way, and as an added bonus, i've rung drama out of my life like a soppy, soapy kitchen rag. this writing is far more mature than i actually am. i guess once doing when doing what's best for me feels like i want, i'll consider myself an adult.

until then...

-k.