you know the phrase "karma's a bitch?" well it's true.
it's not bitchy so much as fickle. you can do everything right. you can love someone at their worst, see someone for their best, and even hold them to it, and still walk away emptyhanded all because someone else didn't give it a real try. you can see every situation for what it honestly, but also for it's best; you can be hopeful, but with a cautious optimism, and still get left alone because "it's not easy". you can care, you can challenge someone to be better than they are, or act; you can never leave a text unanswered, you can forgive, and still feel like you've lost. maybe the timing never aligns, or maybe someone won't open the door no matter how hard you've knocked, or maybe they think you are asking for their everything when you just are asking for a real chance to start. you can do everything right, and end up with a result that feels so wrong.
i'm a firm believer in karma--i've seen it work far too many times against the red sox and against ex-boyfriends and for unsung heroes and people who need prayers. maybe karma is exactly what you predict at a later time. maybe karma hits positively in a completely different way than you expect. it's hard not to demand instant gratification when you are doing the best you know how. it's hard when your plan of how things should go doesn't roll with the bumps and hills of life. immediately, it's unfair. immediately, it's all pain no gain. immediately, we don't realize maybe it's not an immediate resolution. it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when we're stewing in turmoil. it's easy to make your own plan that is unrealistic because it includes someone else who is on a different page. it's easy to have conversations that don't actually get spoken because you aren't given the chance. it's easy to dwell in self-pity because you did and said everything right and are at a loss for words. it's easy to doubt God because circumstances completely unrelated to a higher power fleshed out in uglier colors than you wanted. it's easy to deny all of this. it's easy to be content and stop chasing happiness because things broke the "wrong way." it's easy to choose easy. it's easy not to stand on your own two feet and fill voids with whoever and whatever is around. it's easy to stand on your own two feet and let your potential go to waste, even ever so slowly. you can choose partly honest relationships instead of raw ones.
all you can really do is the best you can do and let things unfold. it doesn't always seem fair, but maybe you don't know what fair really is. maybe we'll get the chance we hoped for. maybe we'll get something else entirely. but we'll get what we deserve, even if it's not in our preferred form. answering a giant question mark is a fruitless endeavor when you know not of what is in store. just have faith that it will be good.
-k.
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Now playing: Missy Higgins - Ten Days
via FoxyTunes
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