okay not really.
but i could if i wanted to.
i wasn't supposed to get an iPhone until Christmas, but Christmas came early to me this year--in the second week of December to be exact. my phone dropped out my pocket while i was in cab, falling more harshly than the gentle snowflakes that followed us to a post-Thanksgiving feast. story of an average New Yorker. i thought my phone fell out in cab, but after further investigation i'm fairly certain that my old phone is in micropieces imbedded into the ground of an Astoria street corner.
the visible chill escaped my lips as i sighed in frustration, as my head cycled the rolodex of contacts i'd have to hunt down via social media and e-mail and numbers of friends of friends. i was dangerously on the verge of creating a "hey guysss lost my phone so i created a Facebook event for you to publicly post all of your numbers" type of event. i find these obnoxious, so the only option i had was to stalk down each individual number because God forbid everyone doesn't get my adorable Merry Christmas! mass text.
or, i could not.
i get the itch to rip up life by the roots sometimes; just to overhaul what's negative--what's painful, what's sad, what's annoying, or even just what's grown stale--both from within and from the outside. i don't consider myself a masochist, i consider myself 23. i try with my every ounce to appreciate what is given to me, and that doesn't mean being perfect--i don't always want to be. but there comes a meeting point between your threshold and the expense of yourself. even something as simple allowing myself the patience to let people come to me with their contact information was a nice slap in the face of reprioritization.
it's easy to mistake selfprioritization for selfishness. i try to give as much as i can as often as i can, so these lines tend to blur. when we think we are helping people by giving more of yourself to someone than you can afford to, you end up in personal debt. it's also vital to know that giving someone what they want doesn't mean you are necessarily doing right by them either. you may just be feeding into their own bad habits and neither of you are getting what you deserve. your good intentions are along the wayside. and you can "good intentions" until the end of time.
certain people just compel you. you can't explain it. you don't want to. but your continued investment may be undervalued or unseen. you'll find one hell of a disparity between the mental energy you waste on someone and the appreciation seen for you or by you. return of interest ain't just a measurement from business school. whether it's friends, loves, or family, you have to break your own holding patterns if they are breaking you.
it doesn't always take a betrayal to close the curtain on the final act, though a stab to the back makes for one dramatic death. maybe it's just constantly you who is on the phone for them. or driving to see them. or being their wingman at the bar, dealing with the fact that they'd rather hunt flash a tender smile to attract the opposite sex than actually spend time with you. maybe whether or not you and your friend hang out is contingent on whether he/she will be in bed with someone else at the drop of a hat. maybe you let your guard in full to someone, but they only cracked their soul's window. maybe you're friends with all their most important people of Facebook but they aren't brave enough to step into your world to catch even the smallest glimpse. maybe the people are right but the timing wasn't/isn't/never will be. maybe you're right but they won't admit it. maybe you're right but they're not on the same page, which makes it impossible to start your own chapter. this is crucial: don't ask why--it hurts bad enough. you can't live life contingent on these factors and you can't hunt them down for their phone numbers. you will only be let down, and if it's meant to be, let yourself be pleasantly surprised rather than burn yourself out by grappling with the unattainable--temporarily or otherwise. i always air on the side of hope and fate and believing and guts, but we can't be consumed by these. otherwise, there's no you left.
i'm tired of speaking in undertones and innuendos and subtleties.
love is loud.
-k.
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