drawing what i want to

the other day i was finding my way back to manhattan with a friend of mine. this friend is blind, and was bearing the hour-and-a-half commute with me with a real conversation and without a complaint. we waited upstairs. the platform looked more crowded than a Springsteen concert in Jersey, and angrier than the recent mob in Egypt demanding Mubarak's resignation. thirty minutes and two trains later, we made it to the platform and waited in a swarm of humanity for the next train of human tetris. as my friend and i discussed the importance of genuity in those who surround you and the importance of sticking with other twenty-somethings who have some perspective, a livid forty something cried out wondering where the hell the train is (service changes) and was upset because he "had noone to complain to."

i know what it's like to have a vendetta for the MTA. it's obviously run by the Boston Red Sox new york hating bafoons) and/or complete idiots, like the people that think Charlie Sheen can rehab at home or something. but this man was not griping about the utterly abysmal service (not) provided by the MTA. he was upset there was nobody to complain to.

i lost my job on Wednesday. it sucks. a LOT. i don't want to be unemployed again and i don't want to have this much time on my hands and i don't want to wonder where my next paycheck is coming from and i don't want to be a sandwich artist somewhere. i know everything will be fine. i know i'll get another job. i know if i sink my teeth into the right opportunity, it will come biting back. i know that what's meant to be will find a way. i know that everything happens for a reason even if we don't immediately know what that is. i have faith. i have a talent. and i have a lot of work to do. that doesn't make the pill any easier to swallow or the wave any easier to ride. what i didn't know if that it's in a sense creating an opportunity--even if it's one i didn't want.

i had admired the company i got let go from from afar for a while. i read about them in PR Week (nerd alert) and loved that they broke the cycle of traditional PR and took risks. smart, educated risks. in fact i still do. the painful conclusion i came to thru conversation and a beer with my friend was that just because you're someone's fan doesn't mean that you fit in the line up. the stars didn't align like they were "supposed" to (according to me) for this opportunity. i loved my co-workers and most of my clients and my view of Manhattan from 27 floors up. i loved my Mac and my iPad and free lunch every Monday and knowing that direct deposits were a regular occurrence. but even the finest pair of Steve Madden's can't fit the left shoe on the right foot. suck it, Carrie Bradshaw, that was a shoe reference.

it was so sexy from the outside, but just wrong from the inside. this job was like meeting the sensible tall dark and handsome accountant who owns a yacht and says all the right things and looks great on paper, but your dazzling conversation about his cigar collection leaves you with the attention span of a goldfish. you want the job that drives you mad in the best way; that honey moon phase that has you so giddy you forgot to say that adorable thought you conjured up, so you send a text as soon as you get home because that extra genuine kick tells you that this one fits. suck it, AGAIN, Carrie Bradshaw, i just compared jobs to dudes.

the right opportunity (or dude) won't leave you tired or stressed or your skin broken out. each day (or hopefully most days) will present itself with the same magical freshness that your first day had. it will allow you to take care of yourself while maintaining your commitment to it. you'll sleep at night. you'll function in harmony with it. you'll do everything you need to and most of the things you want to. you won't eat the same on the go peanutbutter cookie from the mediocre lunch place around the corner so routinely.

like the dude who you have no chemistry with on paper, everything i thought i wanted was in this job, and it's not at all what i wanted. though it's a scary and unexpected change, it's also an opportunity to chose an job that makes me happy(ier). it's a chance to turn back to myself. it's a fresh start that i didn't want but desperately needed. like a bull before a rodeo, i am feisty and anxious to let loose, and ready to unleash regardless of who is on my back.

the man at Union Square who had nobody to complain to failed to see that complaining to an MTA employee (who doesn't care) wouldn't be a catalyst to an oncoming train. if he wasn't so busy whining about the delayed train, he would've seen that he could have walked to 23rd street (where he got off) in half the time it took for the train to come. he didn't see this opportunity and he missed it.

i won't.

-k.



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