when i was 14 i didn't get confirmed in the Catholic church. i don't know if it was harsh combination of life tests and adolescence, or if all of my years of Catholic schooling didn't drill enough guilt into my bones for not going to mass every Sunday or going to confession when something didn't sit right rather than on a schedule.
i don't hate religion. it's just not for me, or at least who i am right now. i believe in pulling pieces of many religions that make sense to me, and living life by those. it's personal, and it's my own. religion works well as the a guide for people on various levels of devotion . the religion i've clicked with most is Bokonism, which is fictional penned by Kurt Vonnegut. it's accessible foundation doesn't make fate and religion mutually exclusive, which is probably why it resonates with me so strongly. too bad devout Bokonists are fictional. maybe it's for the best; nobody else can misinterpret these face value ideas if they don't exist. Vonnegut would also yell at me for that use of a semicolon (look it up).
music is the closest thing i've had to religion. lately, "The Cave" by Mumford & Sons has been my Vatican 2. as i departed from Port Authority today (which is Hell if we are continuing with religious themes), i walked East and up towards my apartment. i accidentally stumbled upon Saint Patrick's cathedral, and intentionally walked in. the rollercoaster of unemployment has looped my emotions from the height of these Cathedral ceilings to the depths of the subways below. to my left was an old woman with cold shoulder and a formal prayer, probably saving my soul from hell since in irreverently entered the tourist attraction church with my iPod on. hooking a sharp right led me to Saint Anthony, the Saint you pray to when you lose those earrings your mom gave you or your credit card or your sense of self. finding the Saint of lost things so easily was an ironic blessing. being in a Church big enough to pray with my headphones another blessing. the sincerest way i know how to pray is through music.
station by station, breath by breath, i could feel my panic easing. i loosened control of my clenched grip on my own life, and oozed surrender to God/the Universe/insert-your-name-for-what-you-believe-in-here. inhaling the inspiration around me with rising crescendos and exhaling stress with the rhythm of my heart and this song was possibly my epitome of a religious experience, and i understand if it isn't yours. the rise and fall of my chest with each breath to the beat of an outside voice doesn't seem that far off from a burning bush or an angel telling a virgin she's preggo. somewhere in between an uninterested field trip of hip high fourth-graders and hunched over devout man in silence and an oversized cardigan, i was overcome by something greater than i was. a colorful fleet in prayer brought a moment of peace to an otherwise unconnected, unlikely family.
there were people praying in despair. there were people praying out of routine. there were people praying out of gratitude. there was a homeless man sleeping in a pew and employees gently enforcing rules and a student of a photography project. not everyone their identified with the Catholic religion. not everyone their was exploring religion. not everyone there was exploring themselves. not everyone there needed a prayer. but everyone there was under the wing of something great.
at least that's what it sounded like to me.
-k.
The Cave by Mumford & Sons
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind
The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat
But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again
Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind
So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears
But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again
So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand
So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say
Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be
And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again
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