Thursday, September 22

The great exhale

'it seems that all my bridges have been burned...you say that's exactly how this grace thing works.'

One of the few situations where you can actually get children to stand still, single file, patiently, and in a line, is when there is a pinata. A cardboard skeleton of a stereotypical boy-themed or girl-themed shape, dressed in carefully adhered and brightly colored cray paper, and filled with candy. Not doses of dark chocolate or 100% real fruit gummy snacks. The sugar rushing, tooth rotting good stuff that makes parents squirm. It is narnia. He or she who breaks the pinata, and let's the wonder flood out of this magical sugar haven, is the hero.

I try normally to make these blogs as universal as possible, but this one is intensely personal, so please allow my self indulgence.

For years, I've felt as though I was walking around blindfolded, taking stabs into the dark at something that held me back. My spirit is unbridled, but there was something harnessing me from living my everyday life with ease. Organization, punctuality, and establishing a routine were far more daunting tasks than they should have been. So much of my mental energy was spent battling the ordinary that exhaustion engulfed my execution of all of my great plans. What feels automatic and involuntary to most people felt like giant anxiety-inducing hurtles. I have so much passion, and there was a wall between me and my passion. I have so much drive, but you can't drive through roadblocks that are invisible to you.

This Monday I was diagnosed with ADHD. I had diagnosed myself with it the previous Monday. I'm not one for diagnosing yourself online. I'm sure I could have also diagnosed myself with cancer and pregnancy if I narrowed in on specific symptoms. But reading about ADHD was like looking into a mirror, but rather than seeing my perception of myself staring back, I had a reflection of truthful text. So many symptoms were ringing bells--and loudly.

As reiterated in this blog, and the course of life, there comes a point where you need to take action. There is a threshold where talking is, well, all talk. I've been terrified of taking medications that alter brain chemistry because I've seen what can go so horribly wrong when you are misdiagnosed or stop taking them. But I need help. Scared or not, I was going to get it. Happiness is both a choice and a circumstance, and if I was going to choose happiness, I was going to have to stare down a fear that had been staring me in the eyes all of my life. Another trial of "let go and let god" has come into the spotlight, though I know it always walks beside me.

My friend said that trying to take this on without medicine is like going into a fight unarmed against something that is definitely armed. It is possible for you to win, but why make the fight so fantastically difficult? Why fire on less than all cylinders? Why focus so intensely on getting through the day that you can't live the rest of your life? Least of all, enjoy it.

The medication was effective immediately. I created To Do lists, and actually To Did them without overwhelming feelings of anxiety, or even hints of them. I had motivation to keep moving. I was early to a meeting without even trying. I knew where my keys were. The room I had once seen as clean appeared as an organized mess, where everything is put away but there is still no true order. The details were not glanced over, but noted. It was like when you wear your true prescription of glasses or contacts for the first time. An undeniable clarity was upon me, and I exhaled truly for the first time. Things were getting simultaneously more effortless and more careful. I was able to shift my focus to execution rather than so intensely on process. The daily routine had never truly felt natural before and now it had.

Of course this is not a magic medecine. There is still a long road to be traveled. Even healthy brains get scattered sometimes, and there are certainly good habits that still need to be instilled with this new found freedom. But it's a fantastic reminder that sometimes scary steps result in huge leaps.

The element of frustration sits heavy at times as well. Resisting the temptation to play the what-if game is difficult, but I'm determined not to let it cloud my positivity. Still it's natural to wonder what my GPA would have been or how much skinnier I might be had I discovered this earlier. At the end of the day, I still graduated respectfully, and am not obese, so im near where I want to be, and that is pretty all right. Had this battle come at a different time, I would likely have been too closed off to fight it, anyway. Timing and circumstance have aligned, and all I can do is seize it. I'm happy to have found out at 24 rather than at 50, wondering where my life went.

Everybody needs help, it's a matter of what kind. But this is not a sign of weakness. The truly strong are brave enough to fall apart and fall into honesty. This, is how we pull ourselves back together. Be strong enough to surrender. Be strong enough to ask for help. Be strong enough to get out of your own may. Be as bright, colorful, and free flowing as the cray paper pony you once road in on. The payoff is a lot better than candy necklaces and ring pops.

-k.

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