you fall apart again, and you can't find a friend

don't turn to someone else, cause they won't understand, i don't wanna hear you say, that you miss yesterday, if you don't like what you see, that means nothing to me.
-Fall Apart Again, Brandi Carlile

my dad was late to his own wedding because he and his fellow groomsmen were listening to Steve Martin's comedy album while getting ready.  i guess this is why i'm often late to things and why i have a crush on Steve Martin.
in his book, Steve Martin writes about mastering the concept of tension and release. through experience and psychology courses, he learned that the greater you build the tension, the greater the comedic payoff when the punchline releases a joke. this drove his comedy career, cementing his place as a defining father of stand-up comedy, a growing and changing art.
tension and release is also identified in music. one of my favorite examples is Brandi Carlile's "Pride and Joy." it's absurdly evident in the live version, that you can see here.  music's greatest catharsis is when a song's arrangement changes from tension to release. this is a song's pinnacle.  often, the lyrics correspond accordingly, setting free all that you're emotions and the song built.

life's most clarifying moments yield from tension and release as well.  often times, you have to create your own release, because circumstances are out of your control. as other people draw unexpected lines, or cross lines that you made clear, it may change how you color them in.  these lines often get drawn into a question mark.  these transitions, which tend to layer themselves with the little hells that life naturally drops on us, are trials in independence.  it is undoubtedly painful to when you discover that the priorities of a relationship no longer match. maybe they were mismatched all along, but the revelation can leave you feeling like a fool.  but, it can also cultivate independence.

you are your safest bet.  sometimes these changes are simply reminders of that.  you have to be able to sit still with yourself.  you take back the alone time you were sacrificing; you make safe all those sanctuaries that you once thought sharing added value to.  in the interest of self-respect, you have to follow through on the demands you made from the beginning, no matter how badly you want the other person to be able to have their cake and eat it, too.  this is natural, because if someone had the power to hurt you, you probably care about them.  if you set a threshold that someone else breaks, you're still left with a mess, but the relieving part is that you get to choose how you clean it up.  when damage is done, don't expect someone else to try and heal you, nor do you owe it to them to try so hard to make things "right," or atleast what was your previous definition of right.  all that's left is to learn.  to be your own phoneix and rise by yourself from the fiery ash of a shared how-things-were. 

i've never done well when i knew the people i cared about most were squirming.  it interferes with my own happiness.  but maybe new-found boundaries can allow you to create your own happiness free from others desires. when your mind is shifting with everything else, you have to look inward.  you can never get away from who you are, even when you want to, so you might as well make sure you'll never let yourself down. others always will, and maybe that's not as depressing as it sounds.  maybe it makes sure we will follow through on who we are.

there is a difference between being guarded and having a strong and healthy relationship with yourself.  it's also the easiest relationship to sacrifice, because by definition it will always be there in some respect.  you still have to water your seeds.  you have to be your own object of least neglect.  maintaining yourself will unlock doors nobody would ever open.

just try not to make others late to their own weddings.
-k.

-k.