i haven't written in a while. a very long while. part of the reason is a lot of my creativity has been funneled into song lyrics. part of the reason was i didn't know if i had much to say that has not already been said. but it seems like everything has been said, really. it is not always the message that is conveyed, but how we convey, that "cuts right to the core of us...Baxtar!"
and so, here are my most recent blanketed statements in regard to the human condition.
i feel that our imperfections help us become more perfect. if you get everything right the first time, how do we have anything to learn from? how do we improve? nobody bats .1000. not even ARod in meaningless situations. but where do we draw the line of someone who makes mistakes vs someone who is written off as a generally bad person? someone who is rotten to the core? how can we distinguish who fits in what category? is it how many mistakes we make---or how deep the hurt runs? maybe i have grown cynical. i used to believe everyone was good, but this romantic notion is quickly fading faster than a ray of sunshine in Binghamton, NY (can i get a shout out for the 8th cloudest city in America?!) don't get me wrong---i still believe that there is good in everyone. but i do believe that there are generally bad people---that this good doesn't necessarily outweigh the bad. with some the line is in clear focus- evil dictators, hard criminals, etc. the line tends to blur with people who have cut you more than once (thanks, Bryan.) we may genuinely forgive, but we never truly forget. how many times can one accept someone's apology before deciding that they fall in the "too hurtful to handle" category? what are the criteria for a damaged beyond repair status? i am not a saint; i only have one other cheek to turn, and i am starting to get whiplash from turning it so often. our thresholds are only so high. the more hurt, the more inaccessible i become, and boy does that create a helluva guard to bust thru. a guard with other contributing factors, but being hurt, especially after forgiveness has already been dealt before, is quite the catalyst.
being on the hurt end can be an evil in itself. if one admits their wrongdoing, you supposedly have the upperhand. but we often abuse this priviledge through manipulation or trying to level the playing field. i don't think it's just me---but maybe it is---we seem to use being hurt as a free pass to hurt that other person. a truly satisfying forgiveness must only come at the original offender's expense. only then will they understand your pain, right? it's not like they have ever been hurt before. by anyone else. ever. of course they have. they have hurt before, and hurt other people, and will suffer both ends in the future. it's just how life tends to unfold. its a painful way to grow---but it's growth none the less. we don't walk away unscathed, and I thank God for that. if we did walk away without suffering, we would take so much forgranted. if we never fell flat on our faces, or at the very least stumbled, how would we get back up, or have anyone to help us find our balance. how we handle this pain expresses our maturity. if we don't feel the need to "get back" at someone, or manipulate a situation to produce maximum benefit for yourself and maximum guilt on the opposite end, then we can really forgive, and we can walk away with more pride than if we tried to make them pay. but what do i know? i know nothing. i just have faith that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that everything happens for a reason, and a million other cliches.
-k.
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