unpacking--alot.

for me, packing and unpacking is a more complicated process than trash bags, worn boxes, and packaging tape. i have been an amateur mover since i was in my teens, as my sister danced to the cheapest burrows of the city she could find. typically, this resulted in unique lectures of elevator arrangements and double parking. shortly after, i began to experience the exciting world of shelving units and plastic bins myself as i moved way too much crap into way too small of a dorm room. moving carries a more symbolic nature than many people give credit. it represents transition, clean slates, new beginnings, and yes sometimes bubble wrap. when i opened the overflowing trunk, i unloaded not just a garage sale's worth of junk, but my junior year of college. i came home a well-learned zombie after finals, every facet of me exhausted or jacked up on mountain dew to stay awake. but summer had finally arisen. i'm a senior.

i don't normally turn to will ferrell for philosophical advice, but in one of his movies, he lives his life off of his pothead, redneck father's words: "if you ain't first, you're last." i began thinking about a lot of firsts and lasts.

it will be the first week at home for the next four months, the first time i will get to see many of my friends in quite some time, the first time i will have a legitimate internship, the first time i will mow the lawn tomorrow, the first time i will get to sleep in my own bed for any length of time since last summer, the first time i will get to shave my legs without contorting my body into geometric figures in a very long time, and the first time that i may actually be self indulgent. the stage of growth that i am at allows, and in many ways requires, some sense of selfishness, or in some ways self preservation. this is a change for me. i often find myself helping others at any cost, no matter how much is exhausts me or unknowingly damages me. i often fall into the "mom" category, the caretaker, the sometimes obnoxiously overprotective friend. recently, a variety of events have caused me to reexamine this method. i don't think God aligned all of these events for me to not learn from them. college, like much of life can be exhausting, and without a doubt carries growing pains. relationships change, circumstances change, we change. i guess the most important first i am enduring, and may ever endure, is the first time i am defining the line between selfishness and cultivating oneself. this line has always been been blurry. where is the distinction between sacrificing for others and self sacrifice? maybe this summer i will find out. maybe i won't. i think recognizing that there is a line is a positive step.

lasts have been on my mind, too. this is my last summer in upstate, NY. this year was the last year i will ever live on campus. i took my last spanish course. i had an RA for the last time. i had my last conversation with people i once held close. it's my last week as a 20 year old. it's going to be my last year as a college kid. it will be my last graduation. it's the last time i will be co-dependent on my parents. it's the last time i will register for classes, and go to them for that matter. it's also the last time i've made whimsical claims of self improvement and not been able to follow through on them. i acknowledge my need for change of self, and to be honest i kind of love it. once you accept that the struggle against yourself is never going to go away, you thrive on the challenge. we are never going to be perfect, so stop trying to be. you can't take things more than one day at a time, so why do we insist upon trying. seize everything you can, but not at once. learn from the past, plan for the future, and live for right now. i over analyze and think too much, but this is a burden i do not regret. i keep grounded from life lessons, and if they happen to be derived from cardboard, let it be.

-k.