so it turns out my reading audience is swelling significantly, which means i should do probably do a better job of posting more consistently.
i'm workin' on it.
'It is unrewarding and ignorant to never trust, even if your trust was once breached by someone dear to it.'
bad news--a lot of this post is about what i don't know.
i have a terrible time discerning whether or not unbridled trust with someone you love is a good thing. the good news? i don't think anyone can answer that question. and i'm only 22.
'They' say that true love is giving someone so much of yourself that they have complete power to demolish you. for the most part, i agree with ''They.' i like to cite 'They' as if 'They' is an actual source, in which case 'They' would be credited with a pile of wise quips--the preceding included.
but i do have a bone to pick with the ever credible 'They.' i don't think you give someone this power and this level of trust, i think it is just a part of the falling in love process. one of those comes with the territory ventures. also, this statement neglects what happens if you do get demolished. maybe it's a beat that 'They' is following. or maybe, their isn't really an answer.
falling for someone can make you feel like the best version of yourself, but at the same time completely pathetic. the last part is generally what, if anything, bites us in the butt.
you let them in. they know what makes you strong, and they know your kryptonite. they know your weaknesses, and how to exploit them. they know your scars, and how to cut deepest. they know your smiles, and how to erase them. (the emo band previously established in this blog could really take off soon).
not only do they have the power to demolish you, but they can do so to it's fullest potential--intentionally or otherwise. it is human nature to push buttons you know are there, especially in defense. what they think is a side comment can stick around for a lifetime. often times this tends to be a slap-in-the face on your all-too-significant other's way out the door--a criticism that you won't have the opportunity to correct, at least with them. so you are left staggering around in your sobering moment of self awareness with a hangover that makes the following night's jaeger bomb or 12 pack weep. and you cry a little bit too.
responses vary when some walks away from you. people react from making dart board from pictures of your ex's face, to drowning yourself in booze and members of the opposite sex, to sobbing every time their name comes up on Facebook's 'People You May Know' function. i DO know them, facebook! we just can't have a virtual relationship. recounting their profile and our wall-to-wall is too painful.
but some part of the hopeless romantic will never fully give up, even when you accept that it's over. and so you are 'over it.' but i don't think you truly 'move on' until you take the plunge with someone new--and fully. you can open up about your past; your likes and dislikes; your childhood; your dreams, you can let someone else take care of you, and vaguely allow whispers of your own care taking to sweep in. but you won't care with the tenderness and wholeheartedness that you did for the one you love(d). trust is a two way street. so, unless you take an interest in knowing who a new person really is, oddly enough you aren't trusting them either. why? "because this is a sign that you care.
which means you aren't being guarded and are willing to risk it all, again" says 'They.' and by they i mean me this time.
within both myself and with others, it surprises me how loving someone can put blinders on what we define as acceptable behavior. even when someone rips your heart out, you would allow that open heart surgery again--and repeatedly- if it meant that things would revert back to 'how they were,' or furthermore, 'how they are supposed to be.' yet if anyone else pulled this behavior, in exchange for your heart, you would probably rip out/off their ovaries/balls depending on your gender and sexual orientation.
but that's because nobody else understands what 'the good' was like, and certainly haven't experienced it. this is partly because we never talk about what REALLY happened. and we certainly don't talk about the good times. acknowledging the good with someone new defines your past relationship as a memory and not a living hope, which is a whole lot of closure to digest, especially in the arms of someone else. so instead, when someone new is in the picture, we deliver a manufactured play-by-play loaded with about as much meaningless babble/analysis as Tim McCarver's broadcasts (he sucks). outside of religious/faith based issues, relationships are the one deep desire that you cannot fulfill on your own. so, when we find someone that does fulfill it, we cling to them, no matter how much abuse they eventually spew. furthermore, to fulfill our shallowest desires, we don't have to look beyond our local bars and clubs. ANYONE can fill that void, which makes the one person who reached our deeper all that more important in contrast.
i have yet to meet someone who doesn't know what it's like to want someone who doesn't necessarily treat you the best. even at their worst, they aren't that bad. (did i just quote garth brooks? i think i may have but i don't remember what song. it should be shameless because that's both token and fitting, but it's not.) and at their best, everything around you is brighter. but, the underlying factor is that when your relationship was at it's best with this person, everything was at it's best. and when you teeter on euphoric with someone else, anything 'bad' pales in comparison.
so, your love can relentlessly open fire and their is little to nothing that you can do about it. you secede control, you bend to their will, at least for the most part. and that makes it REALLY hard to let someone new in. you risk acting as the version of you they want you to be rather than who you are. but, why wouldn't you? they had a way of making you feel like the truest, most genuine version of yourself the whole time. the good news you have the loving unconditionally thing down. but it is never, EVER worth the cost of unconditionally loving yourself. other good news? until you cope, you study the interior of some really fun bars to go to with your eventual new mate.
you can't trust the same way again, or aren't willing to, because if feels like part of your heart is gone. but it isn't gone, it's just dark. and unless you throw someone an opportunity to light it, you will remain stuck, wedged in between your own regrets and fears, which leads to a lot of self loathing. so the new person is penalized because you are in shambles.
it's exquisitely painful to give someone every reason to stay, and get left in the dust. yet, when the damage settles, you give someone new every reason to walk away, but they refuse to give up.
i am an eternal optimist and hopeless romantic. this both invites pain and yields pleasure. most importantly, nothing will change that this is who i am.
and really, what do 'They' know, anyway?
-k.
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Now playing: THE SCRIPT - The Man Who Can't Be Moved
via FoxyTunes
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