"...but everything's exactly in it's place, and i'm the only thing that's changed, i'm not the same"
-Lelia Broussard, Something True
i ate peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches at many Thanksgiving dinners when i was younger. i refused to try turkey. or vegetables. or hamburgers. or seafood. or any food that might have a texture. or any food that wasn't on an unhealthy American menu and outside of my bagel-pasta-occasional-ballpark-hot-dog comfort zone. i threw monumental temper tantrums as a blue-eyed toddler with angelic blonde hair but seemingly demonic intentions. i had a lethal stubbornness that explains why i have no younger siblings.
my mom is a healthy individual, but it came to nobody's surprise that she nearly had a heart attack when i asked her to pass the broccoli at a family dinner on a college break. a cafeteria aimed at feeding the masses (rated on par with most jails--true story) forces you into trying new things. sometimes, those things are healthy. my stubborn attitude had to give.
maybe it's an innate characteristic i was born with. maybe my parents' ability to cultivate an independent child crossed the line. maybe it's because i'm a Taurus and the stars made me this way, mannn. but i'm REALLY stubborn. sometimes, this is a good thing, if you stand strong in your beliefs and won't back down like Tom Petty and won't take anyone else's crap. usually, we refer to being stubborn in these context as "strong-willed" because it sounds nicer.
sometimes i'm strong-willed. sometimes, i'm such an infuriating, bullheaded pain in the butt that my stubbornness interferes me and my relationship with others. lately it's robbed me of my ability to trust that everything is unfolding as if should; that those who are in and those who are out of my life belong there, respectively and currently; that i am where i'm meant to be, how i'm meant to, and that why i am makes sense on some level to someone or something somewhere, even if it doesn't quite make sense to me. i'm not a religious person, but i do have faith.
i became obsessed with South Park a while ago and their ability to transition from fart jokes into brilliant political satire. i started YouTubing interviews with Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the show's creators. they comically criticize all religions (and EVERYTHING else), leading many to ask, including this particular reporter, if they are atheists. Trey Parker responded by saying he thinks the most ridiculous belief is that the whole world happened "just 'cause" and that he "believes something is going on that we don't know about, and that's as far as i can go." this simplistic glimpse into a satirical cartoonist's religious beliefs resonated with me, and i take it with me wherever i go. i don't know if that "something going on" is one God, multiple Gods, or is even called God, or is male or female or has a gender, or is "the Universe" or is actually a broomstick. i do know when my stubbornness results in my straying from trusting whatever "it" is, i find myself a little lost in a sea of doubt, bobbing thru waves of questions and confusion. the water calms when i surrender; when i forfeit control and throw the reigns over to that "something." it is then i focus with the sharpest clarity, the kind of clarity you can't pay for and you can only earn and achieve. i focus on the right things--on self, and what is in my control. it is then i stop hovering on the cusp of kicking life's ass, and just go and kick it's ass.
i know this. i've learned this. i've learned this again (and again). i live with the definition and walking proof of this. it's in my head and it's in my heart but i guess it isn't always present. not only have i been too stubborn of late to change my lack of trust in whatever is greater, but i've been to stubborn to even see that i'm not doing so. but the recognition of this is always a sobering self realization, and change will follow. maybe my stubbornness is in a metamorphosis. or maybe it's just in my twelfth house by way of the Taurus.
-k.
Showing posts with label adolescence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adolescence. Show all posts
Thursday, October 29
my mother once told me, the thicker your skin...
...the better off you'll be when this world brings you down.
well this kind of sucks. i was hoping i would never have to write this blog. because this blog marks the end of a friendship. or something like that.
you can confirm that a friendship has run it's natural course when it's ending is best described as cathartic. when it feels as though a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders, and heart, that probably means that a) you were never meant to be friends in the first place or b) the friendship has served it's purpose. it seems that in option b, you match the length of the relationship's valuable time with an equally as long period of awkward politeness. you try to clean up the friendship by sweeping underlying issues further under the rug and washing away any sign of hostility. this is usually done by clogging up everyone's facebook news feed with bumpstickers or inside jokes or photo comments from the 'sincere' memories. we hope that if things look okay, they will revert back to how they once were. or at least into a new form of okayness.
the whispers of genuine efforts are drowned out by the shouting fact that you are postponing the inevitable, probably so that upcoming birthday parties of mutual friends will be less awkward. plus it's never easy to admit that what once satisfied our insatiable appetite for friendship has now converted itself into the heaping pile of shit that soon follows.
there are two sides to every story. i like mine. i still hold myself accountable, but don't concede and don't believe that i was wrong in the dispute or in my decision to end this friendship.
the unique thing about this particular situation was that i didn't start a fight--i simply cut off communication. i am still debating whether or not this was cowardly, adult, or somewhere in between. i would like to think it was the adult thing to do, but i would also like to think that the Yankees will knock out Cliff Lee in 5 1/3 innings and exhaust the Philadelphia bullpen. this may be completely inapplicable to the subject at hand, except for the fact that neither of my 'hopes' matter, and that the scenarios play out as they will. this connection is a complete stretch. both of these things occupy my mind, however, so i must tie them together somehow.
the reason that i cut off communication instead of had a fight about the issue was because i feel as there is nothing the other party could have said that would repair what was broken. we had crossed the rubicon. so why should we both shout a bunch of things, half personal attacks that we don't mean and half justified anger, if it won't resolve the issue any way? what if i simply walked away instead of further investing myself is a situation that will ultimately stay the same? unfortunately alternate endings are for Goosebumps books and not this friendship. a friend, much suggested that i open up a conversation about it. he's obviously far more adult than i considering i didn't even view this as an option. but it's because with hostility swelling, a conversation is just a contained fight that is reiterating the fake mild mannered bull shit you are trying to get away from. and a conversation still would fail if you feel that their is nothing you can say. also, the fact that neither of us cared enough to have the fight OR the conversation is just another indicator that it would come to this anyway.
let's start with my accountability because it will make me look better. the names and genders of those involved have been kept confidential to protect the innocent and the guilty. everyone in this situation is a little of both.
just over a year ago, i broke an unwritten friendship rule. this is why i am a writer. i don't believe in unwritten rules. i like them written out clearly-- sometimes metaphorically in stone if they are REALLY good rules. but this is not how the other person operates, which is something i knew going into the situation. although personally it feels inherently wrong to not believe what someone is saying, i should have "known better." ultimately, this is what the fight should have been about, and it should have happened a year ago. there is also a level of hypocrisy involved that i was blind to until i was fully aware of the situation. and i HATE hypocrisy. this was something i tried to come clean about to the other party, but they were dodging me at the time, as i suspect they were probably trying to avoid exactly what i was trying to do. third, i must admit my hubris. my tragic flaw is that i have a very long fuse, but the end of it is an ugly sight. i find myself straddling a line between complaining about every detail and letting grievances build up inside of me until one major thing airs them at once. this ultimately blindsides the other person, because they are unaware of how ANNOYING they are. because i am better than everyone else. (totally kidding).
our friendship caved into an outside force. or perhaps an accomplice to the friendship murder. (outside force sounds like star wars and accomplice sounds like law & order. since i know nothing about star wars, we will go with that and call the external force a death ray, which is probably incorrect but definitely ironic). some think i am too sympathetic to this outside force/death ray--self included. and quite possibly the death ray itself. the easiest cop out would be to blame the death ray, which is incredibly tempting but also incredibly 'in-the-sxth-grade.' real friendships don't give into the pressure of an outside force (death ray). they break because they aren't strong enough on the inside to resist any form of weathering--weather it's a tornado or a light drizzle. weak sauce.
my pain comes from my openness about this external force (death ray) with the other party (Luke Skywalker). i made myself vulnerable to the other person (slash futuristic space creature?. upon a few swift actions (included but not limited to lightsaber fights) i felt like the rest of my friendship was spent trying to accept something that was felt unacceptable. then, in the back of this closet holding many a skeleton, there was a sprawling web of lies. i assume this metaphor came about because webs spin out of control, catch your prey, are very delicate, and easy to destroy. when actions are covered by lies, the mountain of forgiveness can suddenly avalanche. these actions that once seemed like they were coming from an honest mistake travel to spite and revenge. and that makes 'best friends for life' pretty shortlived. it also make what you are actually fighting about very convoluted.
a textfrontation initiated by the other party soon ensued. (i really want 'textfrontation' to catch on). we both pretended we wanted to be adults, even though we secretly wanted to have a meet-me-in-the-cafeteria style fight. we both said that we are trying not to blame the other, even though that's exactly what we were doing. it's like how when someone says 'no offense, but...' and you know they are about to say something offensive. we both wanted to blame the death ray, even though we knew it was between Luke Skywalker and Fill-in-a-jedi-here. (spoiler alert: Luke's Dad is Darth Vader). and so the end was cemented.
i learned a lot, but also learned absolutely nothing. i think i already knew what to do, and how to do it. i just hadn't had the guts to go through with it. but a new apartment and a new job cultivate an atmosphere that inspires you to rip up life by its roots and lay new seeds complimented by the most fitting perennials.
reap. and. sew.
the world has kept spinning. the galaxies near or far far away stayed aligned. the Yankees are ALCS champions again. and on we go.
-k.
well this kind of sucks. i was hoping i would never have to write this blog. because this blog marks the end of a friendship. or something like that.
you can confirm that a friendship has run it's natural course when it's ending is best described as cathartic. when it feels as though a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders, and heart, that probably means that a) you were never meant to be friends in the first place or b) the friendship has served it's purpose. it seems that in option b, you match the length of the relationship's valuable time with an equally as long period of awkward politeness. you try to clean up the friendship by sweeping underlying issues further under the rug and washing away any sign of hostility. this is usually done by clogging up everyone's facebook news feed with bumpstickers or inside jokes or photo comments from the 'sincere' memories. we hope that if things look okay, they will revert back to how they once were. or at least into a new form of okayness.
the whispers of genuine efforts are drowned out by the shouting fact that you are postponing the inevitable, probably so that upcoming birthday parties of mutual friends will be less awkward. plus it's never easy to admit that what once satisfied our insatiable appetite for friendship has now converted itself into the heaping pile of shit that soon follows.
there are two sides to every story. i like mine. i still hold myself accountable, but don't concede and don't believe that i was wrong in the dispute or in my decision to end this friendship.
the unique thing about this particular situation was that i didn't start a fight--i simply cut off communication. i am still debating whether or not this was cowardly, adult, or somewhere in between. i would like to think it was the adult thing to do, but i would also like to think that the Yankees will knock out Cliff Lee in 5 1/3 innings and exhaust the Philadelphia bullpen. this may be completely inapplicable to the subject at hand, except for the fact that neither of my 'hopes' matter, and that the scenarios play out as they will. this connection is a complete stretch. both of these things occupy my mind, however, so i must tie them together somehow.
the reason that i cut off communication instead of had a fight about the issue was because i feel as there is nothing the other party could have said that would repair what was broken. we had crossed the rubicon. so why should we both shout a bunch of things, half personal attacks that we don't mean and half justified anger, if it won't resolve the issue any way? what if i simply walked away instead of further investing myself is a situation that will ultimately stay the same? unfortunately alternate endings are for Goosebumps books and not this friendship. a friend, much suggested that i open up a conversation about it. he's obviously far more adult than i considering i didn't even view this as an option. but it's because with hostility swelling, a conversation is just a contained fight that is reiterating the fake mild mannered bull shit you are trying to get away from. and a conversation still would fail if you feel that their is nothing you can say. also, the fact that neither of us cared enough to have the fight OR the conversation is just another indicator that it would come to this anyway.
let's start with my accountability because it will make me look better. the names and genders of those involved have been kept confidential to protect the innocent and the guilty. everyone in this situation is a little of both.
just over a year ago, i broke an unwritten friendship rule. this is why i am a writer. i don't believe in unwritten rules. i like them written out clearly-- sometimes metaphorically in stone if they are REALLY good rules. but this is not how the other person operates, which is something i knew going into the situation. although personally it feels inherently wrong to not believe what someone is saying, i should have "known better." ultimately, this is what the fight should have been about, and it should have happened a year ago. there is also a level of hypocrisy involved that i was blind to until i was fully aware of the situation. and i HATE hypocrisy. this was something i tried to come clean about to the other party, but they were dodging me at the time, as i suspect they were probably trying to avoid exactly what i was trying to do. third, i must admit my hubris. my tragic flaw is that i have a very long fuse, but the end of it is an ugly sight. i find myself straddling a line between complaining about every detail and letting grievances build up inside of me until one major thing airs them at once. this ultimately blindsides the other person, because they are unaware of how ANNOYING they are. because i am better than everyone else. (totally kidding).
our friendship caved into an outside force. or perhaps an accomplice to the friendship murder. (outside force sounds like star wars and accomplice sounds like law & order. since i know nothing about star wars, we will go with that and call the external force a death ray, which is probably incorrect but definitely ironic). some think i am too sympathetic to this outside force/death ray--self included. and quite possibly the death ray itself. the easiest cop out would be to blame the death ray, which is incredibly tempting but also incredibly 'in-the-sxth-grade.' real friendships don't give into the pressure of an outside force (death ray). they break because they aren't strong enough on the inside to resist any form of weathering--weather it's a tornado or a light drizzle. weak sauce.
my pain comes from my openness about this external force (death ray) with the other party (Luke Skywalker). i made myself vulnerable to the other person (slash futuristic space creature?. upon a few swift actions (included but not limited to lightsaber fights) i felt like the rest of my friendship was spent trying to accept something that was felt unacceptable. then, in the back of this closet holding many a skeleton, there was a sprawling web of lies. i assume this metaphor came about because webs spin out of control, catch your prey, are very delicate, and easy to destroy. when actions are covered by lies, the mountain of forgiveness can suddenly avalanche. these actions that once seemed like they were coming from an honest mistake travel to spite and revenge. and that makes 'best friends for life' pretty shortlived. it also make what you are actually fighting about very convoluted.
a textfrontation initiated by the other party soon ensued. (i really want 'textfrontation' to catch on). we both pretended we wanted to be adults, even though we secretly wanted to have a meet-me-in-the-cafeteria style fight. we both said that we are trying not to blame the other, even though that's exactly what we were doing. it's like how when someone says 'no offense, but...' and you know they are about to say something offensive. we both wanted to blame the death ray, even though we knew it was between Luke Skywalker and Fill-in-a-jedi-here. (spoiler alert: Luke's Dad is Darth Vader). and so the end was cemented.
i learned a lot, but also learned absolutely nothing. i think i already knew what to do, and how to do it. i just hadn't had the guts to go through with it. but a new apartment and a new job cultivate an atmosphere that inspires you to rip up life by its roots and lay new seeds complimented by the most fitting perennials.
reap. and. sew.
the world has kept spinning. the galaxies near or far far away stayed aligned. the Yankees are ALCS champions again. and on we go.
-k.
Tuesday, June 9
short changed.
it was much to my dad's relief that Continental airlines not only continues to offer free plane food, but now provides outlets for businessmen and screaming infants alike. i dropped him, or rather mildly stopped and had him tuck-and-roll, at/onto terminal C for a five hour flight to phoenix. after a courtesy stop, i love you, and a hug from the back seat that was obstructed by the passenger side headrest, i rolled straight through, back on to the buffet of highways that newark airport feeds. so, giving blondes and upstate new york drivers alike a bad name, i hopped on to 78 east, realizing that i not only was driving in the opposite direction of where i should be headed, toward BAYONNE of all places, and the holland tunnel, but that i now had to pay a toll for my suave step. which was clearly God's way of saying "you're an idiot and NJ has a lot of construction to pay for this summer."
as i cranked my mp3player and deciphered which lanes were EZ pass only, i was swearing at myself for my bonehead move as well as the Ipod gods for toying with my emotions. i also frantically rummaged through my cup of change as each silver circle with george washington's face was a little answered prayer. i scoured the car for extra quarters, knowing that my STUPID move was also going to cost me on the way back.
this unexpected detour lead to this unexpected blog about short changing myself. like many twentysomethings, i split my rolls of quarters between laundry and car tolls. but do wrong turns lead to us short changing ourselves? i wrestle with the concept of "but i'm young and stupid," because soon enough i won't be that young, and despite my inability to adjust to new jersey driving, i would like to think that i am not that stupid. is this little trap called adolescence really such a huge period of growth, or is it a period of time where we just pretend we are too young to know better than we really do? maybe recognizing this is the growth part, but then in the end, it's certainly still taking it's toll, and you can bet it's with exact change. and it will probably be for like, $1.10, but you only have quarters, so you end up overpaying. the difference between the metaphor and my literal STUPID move is that in the metaphor, we actually short change ourselves by over paying. in the literal version, new jersey makes an extra 15 sense off of my unintelligent maneuver. shallow victory for you, corzine.
grappling with the line of acting your age (or sometimes, well below, because i relate WAY too well to that asher roth song,) and it blocking your potential seems to be a fairly constant battle at this little stage of life. guilty pleasures are in fact supposed to carry a level of guilt, but why indulge in the first place when we know better? we do know our actions, especially in young go-getter mode, are supposed to bring us closer to our goals rather than block them. a financial guru who incited my hatred for credit cards says "children do what feels good, adults devise a plan and stick to it." true, but that sounds kind of boring. we all want to be young and have fun, but who says where the appropriate boundaries are? i think that's where the growth part is, but i'd rather there be handbook. or at least a stupid ticket that tells you how much between exits.
life has no EZ pass, but thankfully, major highways do.
one remedy down.
-k.
Now playing: Billy Joel - Vienna
via FoxyTunes
as i cranked my mp3player and deciphered which lanes were EZ pass only, i was swearing at myself for my bonehead move as well as the Ipod gods for toying with my emotions. i also frantically rummaged through my cup of change as each silver circle with george washington's face was a little answered prayer. i scoured the car for extra quarters, knowing that my STUPID move was also going to cost me on the way back.
this unexpected detour lead to this unexpected blog about short changing myself. like many twentysomethings, i split my rolls of quarters between laundry and car tolls. but do wrong turns lead to us short changing ourselves? i wrestle with the concept of "but i'm young and stupid," because soon enough i won't be that young, and despite my inability to adjust to new jersey driving, i would like to think that i am not that stupid. is this little trap called adolescence really such a huge period of growth, or is it a period of time where we just pretend we are too young to know better than we really do? maybe recognizing this is the growth part, but then in the end, it's certainly still taking it's toll, and you can bet it's with exact change. and it will probably be for like, $1.10, but you only have quarters, so you end up overpaying. the difference between the metaphor and my literal STUPID move is that in the metaphor, we actually short change ourselves by over paying. in the literal version, new jersey makes an extra 15 sense off of my unintelligent maneuver. shallow victory for you, corzine.
grappling with the line of acting your age (or sometimes, well below, because i relate WAY too well to that asher roth song,) and it blocking your potential seems to be a fairly constant battle at this little stage of life. guilty pleasures are in fact supposed to carry a level of guilt, but why indulge in the first place when we know better? we do know our actions, especially in young go-getter mode, are supposed to bring us closer to our goals rather than block them. a financial guru who incited my hatred for credit cards says "children do what feels good, adults devise a plan and stick to it." true, but that sounds kind of boring. we all want to be young and have fun, but who says where the appropriate boundaries are? i think that's where the growth part is, but i'd rather there be handbook. or at least a stupid ticket that tells you how much between exits.
life has no EZ pass, but thankfully, major highways do.
one remedy down.
-k.
Now playing: Billy Joel - Vienna
via FoxyTunes
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