'that's life'

it seems everything clicks at once. the job, the significant other, the apartment, the inner peace which is ultimately your inner piece.

it seems to all go to shit at once. the economy, the people you were blissfully getting started with, the bed bugs if you haven't yet learned that not manhattan is prone to them again.

our control in these endeavors ranges, and it is the uncontrollable that really pisses me off.

i am not a control freak. but i think by nature we secretly all are a little bit. unless you are one of those weird drifter people who doesn't ever have a home and is on constant vacation because establishing roots 'just isn't their thing.' we are not control freaks because we are power hungry, but because the feeling of not being in control that shakes the comfort out of us. somewhere there is a happy medium. when you find it with a job, you are probably one of those rare people who genuinely gets to 'do what they love' rather than just tells themselves this to get through the 9-to-5. when you find it with a person, you are in love. when you find it with an apartment, you never want to move (and are also in love). the fact that these always seem to coincide, at least in my life, are ultimately what create 'highs' and 'lows.' it's why people come up with cheesy catch phrases/advertising slogans that make you millionaires like 'life is a journey--enjoy the ride.' no offense nissan, but kiss my ass. life as a journey, or a rollercoaster, or a highway if you are tom cochrane is easy. the 'lifeish' part of it is understanding that life seems to be a constant series of adjustments until each piece falls into place, or at least into balance. which is why i suppose so many people get close, but not too close, to love, and live in moderate one bedrooms in Queens, and work at jobs that take up most of their week that they are okay with. they try and manufacture their own balance in a form of settling. i'd rather power through the pain and be more genuinely happy. i think either approach is okay as long as you are satisfied and aren't wading, stuck in the pain.

i don't think you should never be open to what feels comfortable, because then ultimately you never will be. embrace comfortable and secure. but if it's dislodged, work and adjust. if you can't hit the curveball life throws at you, you can't make it in the big leagues. unless you are alfonso soriano in his first season somehow.

a friend of mine recently told me the phrase "try again. fail again. fail better." it's time to learn each time.

-k.

silver linings and karma upswings.

here is a list of everything equally as/more disgusting than bed bugs that has ever haunted me:










pedro martinez.

that's it. they are disgusting enough to rank with with my least favorite active baseball player who deservingly just lost the world series. somewhere in a tampa apartment, don zimmer is laughing. and that apartment doesn't have creatures braced with tiny legs and antennas who are out for nothing more than blood and to ruin lives. god was having an off day when he made these little sons-of-bitches.

but hey, at least they are impossible to get rid of outside of throwing away all of your possessions from your entire furniture set down to your favorite outfit. hope you have a shirt-off-your-back attitude, because these miniscule bloodsucking demonseeds will imbed their disgusting unseen eggs into it and breed more disgusting bugs and resentment toward your once comfortable home.

the problem started a month after my sister moved into our charming infested dwelling. our landlord, (a huge jerk) said it was not his responsibility to eradicate satan's offspring. this isn't legal, and we will probably have to drag out this arduous process in court. but we got an at home kit. about a week ago--on top of a lingering sinus infection and somewhat less lingering break up--my sister rudely awoke to welts in triads that lined her neck, shoulder, and arm. the evil force did not die with our protect-a-bug aid, it simply laid dormant.

one bite. one bite of your blood. that's all it takes for one of these twighlight wannabes to live for an entire year. first, i was jealous because if i only had to eat once a year i'd definitely lose the stubborn extra weight that hangs around and i'd also make BANK. second, we realized that this is one problem that no at home kit or fumigation is going solve this problem.

no amount of money or charming molding is worth staying in this place. this disgusting insect is like any of life's problems, or at least that's what i'm going to tell myself to cope with the repulsive reality. metaphors i can handle. bugs i cannot.

we can manifest whatever temporary solution we want for virtually anything we encounter. booze, strangers, food, a million new hobby's, a new haircut, a dartboard with your ex's face on it. there's always a remedy--just ask the Black Crowes. but all it takes is one bite to remind you that this is a false fix. memories slap you in the face like cold air on these crisp november days, and the endless possibilities of what could've been if he/she didn't die, if cancer wasn't there, if they didn't leave, if you hadn't fallen down on your luck--they will sink their teeth into you and never let go if you don't let go first. when hope turns up false, you will wear many swollen marks, and false hope--like bugs--will crawl deep into your mattress and never come out of the woodwork.

eventually, there is the need to find closure, or at least acceptance. including but not limited to therapy, prayer, time, yoga or kick boxing depending on what part of the process is rearing it's head, crying, talking, coffee, fumigation. in no particular order. but they all involve putting on your big girl pants and facing your problem. like my sister and i, you realize there is no way out of this mess. you have to slam the door, and never go back, because the hotbed is just growing hotter. and not hot enough to kill the bugs. maybe down the road post-fumigation you can revisit this place. when you no longer view it as home, and you realize the image of comfort is not what you imagine, you can come back only to take what is rightfully yours, and what can be salvaged.

once you make it through the ugly, it's time to move. move out. move on. move around to avoid being immersed in pain. move to a clean modern building on 88th & lexington that can in no way be described as historic and can boast the title of newly renovated. move along. it's a risk, and also an All American Rejects song. but their catchy beat and mediocre lyrics have a point. it takes courage to move on, there is a level of grace in it, even if the process itself isn't graceful. there is a beauty in walking away and leaving the bugs behind; in breaking free, breaking away, breaking your lease. right now moving is a risk, but it's also our only option. some people think that courage is being scared of something, and doing it anyway. i don't know if courage always demands an element of fear, but this is definitely a component of courage even if it doesn't embody it's meaning. if an infestation of emotion and/or mini draculas creep in, you will get bitten. so, you have to get busy living, and they can get busy dying. that way you, morgan freeman, & my shawshank redemption reference can live as emotional minimalists, and carry around only the cleanest, smallest amounts of baggage. it's the Ikea of feelings.

in the present, this sucks. a lot. i have to go on makeshift shopping sprees at cheap stores with money we don't have. we have to sell my car (that i'm not using...but it's my first car!) to fund the situation. i have to live as a nomad, couch hopping and trying not to burden others. we have to throw out all of our possessions and buy doubles of what we already own because something 1/8 of an inch destroyed everything we have, and we can't even donate what we are replacing. the meaningless and sentimental all have to be incinerated if there was even the slightest chance of exposure. i will be moving while simultaneously adjusting to my new job which will inevitably create chaos.

it seems like good things and tough things synchronize themselves. when the good stuff all comes at once, you feel blessed. when the tough stuff comes all at once, you feel overwhelmed. i find myself asking what i did to bring on these bad things. why is karma biting me sans welts? did i hurt someone beyond my own knowledge? are the Yankees really an evil empire that i'm cheering for? did i kill someone in past life?

then i am reminded, usually by my dad and people with more hindsight than i, that when something awful happens, something great usually comes out of it. usually i don't get the instant gratification that this bedbug situation has lead to. because now my commute to work will be about 12 minutes, all of my resources will be around the corner, i will be living with my sister and best friend, and the job i'm starting is an opportunity that fuses my interest for PR, music, and non-profits. our landlord is named Dorris, and i don't think you can be a jerk if you are named dorris. and we will have a fresh start with brand new, for a lack of a better word, 'stuff.' the load we carry will be lighter in every aspect.

in the end it's fine, if it's not fine, it's not the end. this Anonymous guy is onto something. he and Winston Churchill are credited with the same amount of quotes.

the welts will go away. the bugs won't--but the problem will. a fresh start brings a clarity that you can't pay to get.

bed, bath, & beyond didn't realize what they had with this beyond concept. the beyond in a move is limitless.

-k.