"nothing is impossible for a man who refuses to listen to reason"

ever hear that repulsive motivational phrase "shoot for the moon--if you miss you will land among the stars?"

well it's stupid. you don't always land among the stars. sometimes you land in a black hole. i don't know a lot about science, but 1) i know something about metaphors kind of and 2) wikipedia has an entry on black holes, which means the following definition may or may not be true. and what i have to say after is subjective, too.

a black hole, according to the general theory of relativity, is a region of space from which nothing, including light, can escape. the gravitational force of a black hole is so strong it destroys the matter it intakes.

so shoot for the moon, and you may land among the stars. but you may also end up feeling like you are in an inescapable suck-hole that is ripping you apart. great!

when we dive in headfirst to something, either our greatest hopes or greatest fears will be confirmed. there is an undeniable feeling buzzing like neon through our bones that indicates to us that whatever we are so damn hellbent on is supposed to unfold this way. and so it goes. and so we go. we go with blinders on. we go with a grain of salt on others inputs. to paraphrase john mayer's 'Edge of Desire,' we go back on the things we believe. we defy logic. we deny truth. all for this one love that we are stuck on, be it romantic, family, friendship, career, moving, etc.
there is a very thin line between looking like the best and bravest in your tunnel vision and ambition and being proven a fool.

i try to avoid politics in my blog, mostly because i write like a hippie and think like conservative. also, this is not a political forum. this is about FEELINGS. however, if you are a communications nerd, no matter how liberal you are, you just may concede that Ronald Reagan knew how to work a speech--just as many Republicans can concede that Obama also knows how to work a speech (fair and balanced, America). in the book Reagan, In His Own Hand: The Writings of Ronald Reagan That Reveal His Revolutionary Vision for America, it is revealed that when Reagan said "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!" it was against advice of everyone in his cabinet. this phrase, which now rings in a historic triumph, was uttered in the most ill-advised manner. but when your gut overpowers the advice of the highest ranking officials and communication guides in the country, you go with it. whenever a high level of risk is involved, you will face adversity, because you could end up in a black hole. but you may also land among the stars, or even hit the original moon target itself.

sometimes we are stuck on something, we go for it, and we end up the fool. the communicative George Bush of guts. sometimes it yields a heartbreaking downfall. we have to admit everyone was right. we should have listened to logic. we should have seen the truth. we should have seen ourselves. but also, we can't entirely regret it, because if you didn't follow your gut, the curiosity would eat away at you, and there are better ways to get abs to let The Situation of instincts vs. logic get the best of you. this is the black hole. we are torn apart with regret and fear and anger. there is a force so great it feels like we can't escape. we see no light, or if we do see light, it's so blinding we can't stand to see it. but the beauty about black holes is that this damage is just based on theory. we don't really know what happens in a black hole, although this is what we assume. similarly, our damage may just be a theory that leads to a better understanding of ourselves.

why did we follow our gut if we were going to ended up gutted? why would we be given instincts that drive us to such an ugly end? the easy answer is because the world is out to get us. there is no god. and if there is one he's out to smite you. life sucks. the real answer is because this is exactly how life is supposed to go. sometimes you have to let go of your plan, and how you think life is supposed to be. sometimes you have to have trust and faith, and even more importantly trust in faith. otherwise what is around the corner will always be dim. you will let damage win. you will never risk. you will always run. and if you run far enough, you will have dodged both your fears and wants, and then the only thing touching you is that initial anvil that slammed you, and you won't get any of the good stuff. helen keller said “when one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one, which has been opened for us.” she lived with out two of our basic fundamental human components. she wins. the potential to grow from what proved you a tragic hero awaits. don't waste it.

-k.

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instinct vs. logic

ever just jump so far off the deep end that you don't know if you can swim back? ever been scared that you are okay with jumping in cannonball style into a directionless sea of uncertainty? ever been unable to tell whether or not you are courageous for being so honest or pathetic for being that helpless?

fool me once, shame on you
fool me twice, shame on me

what about the third time?
and every time?
who do we blame?
does it matter who we blame?

blame doesn't matter if you are knowingly going to fight the same battle.

shouldn't we be trying to determine whether or not we are utterly masochistic or beautifully devoted? if you believe in something enough, it won't always come true. so when the door doesn't fully shut us out, why don't we shut it ourselves? why don't we lock it? why don't we barricade it?

logically we know we should.
we know we should opt for the healthier Situation (and it's abs).
we know we should move on.
we know we are better than pathetic.
we know we are better than helpless.
we know we are better than shameless (except for Garth Brooks).
we know we are better than playing games.
we know we are than anything that isn't straightforward, honest, and simple.
we know we are better than creating our own complications.
we know we are better than playing the fool.
we know we are better than "always on my mind."
we know we are better than everything feeling like a sign.
we know we are better than everything being a reminder.
we know we are better than the pain.
we know we are better than feeling like you invested so much, what's a little more?
we know we are better than listening to Janice Joplin's 'Piece of My Heart.' ever.

but unless you feel that way, you can "know" until the cows come home, which sometimes they do in Binghamton. you can "know" until you are blue in the face. but sometimes our instincts lead us away from our logic. they can lead us down a selfless and selfsacrificing road that may turn out to be a huge waste of time and/or money. they can make you question your selfrespect, but oddly enough validate it in the same breath.

it's a real pain in the ass when your head and your heart don't sit right because then you end up awake at 4 a.m. writing way too honest blogs because you feel like you know someone's soul and they know yours. or if that's too dramatic, they at the least make you smile from the inside. you concede all of your power at the risk of looking like an idiot (again and again....and again).

it's ironic because I was great in Logic class. i could write you three step arguments and identify the "Bandwagon" theory all day. and i would enjoy it too. but outside of this setting, logic was never my strongest suit. i was terrible at math proofs. my dad is amazing at them. when he tried coaching me through proving that a hypotenuse was the longest side of a triangle, and would get increasingly frustrated and want to scream "LOOK AT IT! MEASURE IT WITH A RULER! OF COURSE IT'S THE LONGEST SIDE."

whether something seems right in my mind, it is no match for how something feels. i usually regret not following my instincts because i always wonder what would happen if i did. i'd rather go out on a limb with the risk of it getting mowed down than wonder what would happen if i was still fiddling around it's stump. to paraphrase my favorite songwriter, landing hurts, but at least you know how to fall. emotions can override whatever thought process you may have. what's may actually be in your best interest is only relevant if it feels like it's what is in your best interest. something in the pit of your stomach just tells you to go for it, because even if you crash and burn, at least you won't be left wondering why.

i used to not be this way. i used to be guarded. i used to hide. i used to start the games. i used to put up walls. i used to run. i used to be vague. i used to be 'complicated.' i used to pretend i had no depth because it was easier than acknowledging what i've been through. i used to keep an arms length from anything i cared about. i used to bull shit. i used to worry about how i appeared than how i was. i used to drown in trite bullshit phrases like "it's just the hand i was dealt" and "i don't think you get me and what i've been through, and i hope you never have to." i used to think my pain was unique to me, which on some level i suppose it is, but on another level is completely tokenly adolescent. i used to love cautiously. but love isn't cautious, at least not the good love.

i'd rather be an open heart than a bleeding one. i'd rather be the fool on the hill than too scared to climb. i'd rather feel like i did everything that i could rather than think i did. i'd rather get bit in the ass by my own bravery and willingness than by my own fear and closed off nature. i'd rather someone know i care in the most pitiful, heartbreaking way than keep my Ace in my back pocket. i'd rather be honest than harmless. i'd rather be genuine than "kind of sweet." i'd rather care unconditionally than at convenience. i'd rather be me than someone who "seems" easier to be with. i'd rather live by my own motivations than comply with what every thinks a 22-yr-old girl should be. i'd rather be a challenge than someone who always says yes. i'd rather tell you it's not okay than lie. i'd rather take the risk than be safe. and maybe i'll break something, but it wouldn't compare to the pain of never having stretched.

i guess we will see where my instincts get me. for now, i'm trying this balance thing.

"some things are meant to be
and some things are are not
this is one of those things"

-k.