"there's nothing better than affairs of the heart, to make you feel so good then tear you apart"

i went to a concert and then to another concert last Thursday. neither of them were Barenaked Ladies despite the title of this blog.

ain't no blizzard gonna slow me down.

staggering thru snowbanks and the underground scene with my friends is a pretty regular ritual. as we filed out of Rockwood music hall, we decided the next logical step was to enjoy New York's finest mediocre overpriced pizza. about three bites in we started talking about a song i've been working on, which inevitably lead to a discussion about feelings as most of my lyrics are infested with them. about six bites in, the conversation turned to relationships, particularly that exquisitely painful grey area that sometimes ensues. feeling as close to my friend as i do, and feeling that the man under the microscope is a genuinely good guy, i had no choice but to default to the "boys are dumb" defense. if the glove doesn't fit, boys are dumb. makes about as much sense and johnny cockrane.

after all pizza was overpaid for and rightfully devoured, this lead to a higher level conversation, which lead to this blog. the "boys are dumb" defense simply doesn't. partly because we aren't in first grade, and the extension of that elementary mentality doesn't translate in your 20s.

to say all boys (who we will refer to as "men") are guarded and all girls (who we will refer to as "women") are relationship happy/prone/desperate is a lie. i know plenty of emotionally unavailable women and plenty of men who "need" to be dating someone at all times. if we are all born as blank slates, we cannot intrinsically fall into these buckets. there are fundamental differences between men and women, but there are also fundamental similarities that we share as people. these seemingly unbreakable patterns don't filter because of gender, but are a product of how we are socialized. if men are the hunters and women are the gatherers by nature, we're still all coming back to the same cave. and that hunter may not be happy without a gatherer to call his own, and maybe that gatherer could gather the shit out just about anything on her own. we inevitably break towards the "unavailable" or the "needy" side, but that isn't because of some driving internal force determined by gender. it's shaped by our experiences as people--our triumphs, heartbreaks, points of prides, regrets, mistakes, and lessons learned. the best you can do is recognize which side you break on and crawl your way to balance. if you can't, see a therapist.

it's not easy to claw back to the center. the balance very rarely comes naturally, and the only people i know who it does come naturally to aren't in their 20s. they've had to train themselves to get to this point. as someone who airs on the side of guarded, i proactively try to stay to open. when the issue is how guarded you are, it's not fair to make your partner in crime do all the work. vulnerability sucks, but it's a gateway to trust. we have to turn down the alannis morisette and dodge the fear that flies at us and learn to stand still instead of running away and stop agreeing with chuck klosterman that nobody will ever fulfill anybody because ColdPlay exists, even though he's right. people who feel the need to be in a relationship have to proactively try to remind themselves how full their lives are. they have to turn down the bryan adams and do yoga and be okay with sitting alone at the cafe with their thoughts and selfprioritize. either way, it's work to keep yourself in check. it's a mentality shift and sometimes even a lifestyle change, and knowing yourself is the first step. it's like weight loss or addiction recovery or admitting you like to watch the Jersey Shore. also, none of this is gender specific.

maybe boys aren't dumb. maybe kermit the frog had it right all along though gramatically incorrect: peoples is peoples.
-k.

i don't know a lot, but this is what i've learned so far

"you know you can look both ways and still get hit by the car" --Bryan Fenkart, Middle Man

i accidentally taught myself a lesson and i think it lead to my first "artistic choice."

i write song lyrics. plenty of them are in metamorphosis mode because i have someone who is composing arrangements to set them to. it's a lot less terrifying when my writing/emotions is/are safely locked away in three main notebooks, all of which are accidentally the color pink and most of which have that new notebook feel to them because they were purchased while i was inspired on the go and forgot to throw one that i already had in my purse. whenever i am writing, i try to keep my words genuine and accessible. but when lyrics and music fuse into a song, the words leap off the notebook pages, or sometimes computer screen, and grow alive with a certain authenticity that you can't describe and you can only feel. that is if you're one of those music people.

there are some people who could listen to Ke$ha and John Mayer and don't see a difference because they've both frequented Z100. most likely they connect to a different form of expression on a deeper level. i'm not on of those people.

lately i have been struggling with one of my own songs. it's because it's about a fight that ended a friendship that i don't at all regret ending. it's a complicated situation with a simple resolution that was initially painful but evolved into liberation. i don't know what hurt more: the feeling of betrayal from what transpired or realizing how invested i was in something that i find really easy not to care about anymore. i guess in part it's easy not to care because of what transpired. situations break into black and white when true colors show through.

reopening my songwriting notebook can reopen cans of worms that i thought i had shut so hard only my dad is strong enough to open them. these worms are used as bait to go fishing is a tumultuous sea o revisited emotions that i swore i was done navigating. the reason i was struggling with this particular song was i know it is a bias representation of what happened, which, is not honest. it's simply my side of the story. i recognize that the truth usually lies between your own pure white view and the blacked out version of reality you think your new found enemy has. the song is about my feelings rather than my role in the argument, which is certainly honest, perhaps too much so. i firmly believe that the purpose of music, and any art, is to discover hints of ourselves in these art forms; to find the human in "the humanities." it's not far fetched to say someone could relate to this song. finally i decided if she wants her side of the story told, she could write her own damn song.

most people think our friendship ended for a different reason than it did, possibly including the other people involved and definitely outsiders. sometimes the last straw appears to be the sole reason a relationship of any sort ends because the previous frustrations are swept under the rug and/or unfixable. it's hard to acknowledge the ugly damage someone has done to you because you are conceding in some sense, that this was "a waste." i don't believe this is true, you can only do what you believe is right to do at the time, and that's it. if someone proves you the fool, it feels like a painful error in judgment on your end, but you should never have to predict a break in trust.

the real reason we aren't friends is far different than the perceived. i'm very okay with that because i would never want the actions in my personal fall out to dictate someone else's friendship. hopefully this person will learn, and there is no use injecting your baggage into the relationships involved. nobody should be defined by an isolated incident, shamed or celebrated.

ever have someone do something that is so disturbing, so far out of the rhelm of what can be construed as a valuable relationship, it makes YOU feel like the crazy one? it amazes me that some people's brains are wired so crossed that they can sell themselves, and sometimes you, justification for their absurdity. i'm full from the lines she fed me, and broke from the ones i bought. best friends forever can be pretty short lived sometimes.

i could have had the sweetest revenge. i could do immeasurable damage knowing what she's said about me and others and situations and herself and the world. i could end other relationships in her life, probably with the other person involved. i could make her take a nasty fall for all the lies she's built herself up on, hiding behind a sweet facade, hyping her half way actions to fill in for the vacancies she really should have been there for. i could dismantle mutual bonds in a demonstration of her backwards priorities. i could have everyone on my side. but i'd rather walk away with the burns i have and treat them through my own inner strength than dodge the unsettled ash of a volcanic situation that i fueled. i have plenty of faith that karma prevails, and plenty of evidence to indicate that it will. people will see beyond the deceiving, seemingly harmless outershell and will watch the reveal of the selfish truth that lays within. i don't have the time, strength, or immaturity for that. but i have a song.

besides, she's not "one of those music people" anyway.
-k.


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Now playing: Bryan Fenkart - Middle Man
via FoxyTunes

observations from a monday bar stool

i've learned a lot since moving to manhattan. i've learned new subway routes, explored my new neighborhood, took the first steps in my career. it's all a part of being a grown.

a valuable lesson that i recently learned is if you are a female in the city within three weeks of christmas and a five mile radius of any new york bar, you WILL get hit on by a santa clause.

bar behavior, especially in new york, and especially on a week day always makes me laugh under the condition that i'm not being a participating in it. most guys are either creepy regulars or there to hit on you...quite possibly and probably both. most girls are there to get hit on for the self esteem boost, send copious amounts of text messages, and not pay for drinks. both are there to disillusion themselves into thinking they aren't making a mistake, even though they are, or trying to forget a past one. the girl will hold out hope that it's love and he's different than the previous night's guy and each guy will hope that she's not that special and he can move onto someone else tomorrow. i'm not saying that all great love stories don't start over a guy buying a shot of Jaeger for a girl in a shirt that she cut the back out of with scissors--but they don't.

it's fun to watch people fake love for a few hours. that love can be between a man and a woman, a man and a man, a woman and a woman, or if you're in the village sometimes a ? and a ?. normally it's between a man or a woman and their drink. or themselves.

what's funny is regardless of who you are talking to every conversation is the same. it's starts of polite, you laugh at eachothers jokes, you pretend he doesn't reek of abercrombie and she doesn't look unseasonably tan and underdressed for iceskating weather. i have calculated that as the conversation continues, 92.7% of the time one of the people involved will say i'm just really guarded sometimes" or "i'm not really open when it comes to relationships." this will unhealthily and inevitably intrigue the other party forcing her to pay attention to you, or him to buy you drinks.

regardless of gender, saying "i'm guarded" or "i'm not into relationships" or "i'm focusing on me" is really saying "i'm way too fucking scared to take the chance that my heart may get demolished again," which is fine, especially in a bar on a Monday. but if this cycle is on repeat at the same bar on any day that has a vowel, you aren't going through a "guarded" phase. you're kind of just a big baby who doesn't want to get over it. healing can talk a long time, but if you aren't really making the effort to heal, then you are just scared. i'm not saying i haven't been there, or even that it's wrong, i'm just saying call it what it is. and also that it's kind of wrong. you are classifying everyone else you meet based on an unrelated past experience, screwing yourself out opportunities with great people, and probably stringing some poor other guy or girl along in a "complicated" situation that's only undefined so that you don't have to get too close. girls think it's cute and mysterious, guys think it's clever. you're both wrong. it's just a bunch of unnecessary mind games that you hope will exhaust both of you so that you can call it all off without saying how you really feel.

calculus is complicated and can be solved. people are complicated and can grow. if you could solve for "x" with people, the human element would turn into math, and then i'd have to hate humanity as much as i do equations.

-k.


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Now playing: Dave Matthews & Friends - Typical Situation
via FoxyTunes

fenksponse part deux.

"There are 2 classic stereotypes: guys are assholes, girls are crazy. Both of these things are true."

this should be fun.

when bryan noted the validity of these stereotypes, i knew i could provide ample amounts of evidence in support.

for the most part, i've always been a 'guys' girl. i swear, i'm obsessed with the yankees, i think family guy is hilarious, i've picked up a WWE habit--oh, and also i can't stand my own gender for the most part. you will see why.

let's start with guys are assholes. obvious choice. it was mentioned first, and ani difranco came on my itunes.

token girl comment: all guys are liars. bryan mentioned that all men claim they want the most intelligent girl, who challenges you in a healthy way, but maintains a warm heart. in actuality however, guys:

inevitably and instinctively go for the hottest girl in the room, or at least the one showing the most skin, who laughs at everything he says, even if it's just a quote from Tommy Boy screamed loud enough to be heard over the thumping deep house music and raucous cheering coming from the direction of the keg.

not only do i find this funny, but it's true. because when a guy is at a bar, he knows that his easiest target is the chick in high heels, a miniskirt and an oversized beaded necklace whose skin is tinted orange from the tanning salon and whose hair-dyed roots glisten under the strobe light. she sings along, but doesn't actually know the words to whatever blaring bruce springsteen or tom petty cover some mediocre band is doing an incredible disservice to. normally she seeks out guys dripping in sweat and hair gel, sporting too tight polos with popped collars and gold chains. but there you are--and if she can cut through that maze of shutter shades, and swim through the intoxikating (spelling pun very much intended, as all of my puns are)and overwhelming bath of Abercrombie cologne, she will think you, and all of your friends, are SO funny.

and when i say easiest target, i mean it in both the obvious ways, and that they are the easiest to be around. she can't see through your baggage, bullshit, damage, etc. or chooses not to in the hopes of scoring a free Lemon drop that she will probably do off of her friend's body. she will drunkenly stumble down one of two paths (assuming she makes it down the flight of stairs without breaking her leg first). she may use you for free alcohol, making a friendly departure, ignoring you for the rest of the night (a personal favorite)but promising you a facebook friend request the next morning. or, she will pretend to be timid, but concoct a grinding/dancing? sandwich between you and a friend. not only can she maintain her balance between you two, but she can, like, totally hook up with you if she wants, but still has her friend to save you in case you find someone else or cut off her alcohol flow. if you do find someone else, she will call that girl a slut, talk about how stupid her outfit is, and her friend will tell her how you weren't that cute anyway.

why were you wasting your time with this girl, other than the fact that her cleavage was on display like desserts in the rotating glass stands at truck stop diners? because she won't get close enough to hurt you. and depending on how fried her brain is from the tanning salon, she may be too dumb to try. but sometimes that makes her the smarter one. not because she is intelligent, but because she won't overextend herself into a vacant cause.

'asshole' guys tend to be more guarded and keep their emotions in the shadows. then, girls will whine that 'guys won't let them in,' and they are right. guys will then reply by telling you not to be a controlling bitch and that they don't actually have emotions. guys are just more logical, and 'don't want to talk about it.' and this mentality makes you more of a man.

no it doesn't. it makes you a wuss who won't let your guard down, take a risk, and trust again. and you would never admit it was from previous heartbreak either. ultimately, because then you would have to talk about it, and admit that you got hurt. and that's just not what tough guys do. they work on cars, and eat red meat, and tell girls to get lost when they 'JUST WANT MORE!' they will grab a few beers with the guys, talk about how jealous and psychotic you were, and then go find a new girl and coverband. rinse. repeat. so, you're kind of a jerk.

so how do women get deigned as the intolerable ones in my perspective? because from my experience, some crazy bitch drove a guy to be this asshole. perhaps it's more give and take than i have seen, but chicks thrive off of drama and the grey area shelter it provides. the truth is, guys do tend to be more logical, simple, and straightforward. girls tend to be more emotional, and so they are quicker to be unsatisfied with the status quo. so, when most guys are happy with what is supposed to be comfortable, girls unveil a plan for unrest and manufacture drama. the level of crazy varies, but generally remains stealthy enough to keep the transformation from healthy to unhealthy masked under the I'M CRAAAZY blanket.

and what a metamorphosis it is. everything a guy was doing suddenly cannot quench your insatiable thirst anymore. girls are suddenly sick of everything a guy was doing, and his adorable habits are suddenly annoying. the safety that you found in your stability now makes you yawn. you unnecessarily nitpick at meaningless aspects and nag about things he's been doing all along, which used to be fine. then, you complain that he won't spend any time with you. well maybe it's because you went nutso, lady. and girls wonder why guys just won't trust them when they won't stop analyzing their guy's coping habits to his new found not good enough status, and have their computer screens constantly monitoring every social media move.


STOP. BOTH OF YOU.

heal. grow up. take risks. trust. recognize a good thing when you have one. and break the cycle. and fly free from the obxious routine that IS the relationship cocoon.

-k.
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Now playing: Ani DiFranco - 32 Flavors
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