everything is turning up hensler right now.
i don't normally write about things like this. it's kind of embarrassing to share, but we met online. i begrudgingly admit that this crush has been developing for a while now. i hadn't told too many people about it--i was sick of getting hurt and getting my hopes up.
so we met in person. i hoped that my hair looked alright. i don't normally get jittery about these things, but i couldn't deny the growing feeling in the pit of the stomach that we both may feel a real connection; that intangible something everyone looks for. i felt my heart swelling in my chest, pounding as loud as the thoughts in my head. i clasped my sweaty palms with an uncomfortable nervousness. he greeted me with a friendly, genuine smile. it was so exciting from beginning to end considering how routine it breaks down on paper. we waited for a table to open up, he offered me a drink, but i politely denied. after a short wait, a table opened up. out the window to my right was a beautiful view of the city that i underappreciate during the daytime. it's always uncomfortable when there are more chairs than people. it's less awkward if you sit across from each other rather than next to each other--it's easier to make eye contact--a common trick. he started to ask questions about who i was--not those typical where are you from, how many siblings do you have type of questions, but i could tell he really wanted to grasp who i was. i countered with (hopefully)clever questions of my own. everything seemed fairly normal. anything that a young lady would put on her checklist came through (personality, financial stability, etc). in one short hour, i was one of the lucky few to find that inexplicable chemistry that everyone looks for. i was giddy with excitement and couldn't wait to hear from him later that week. normally meeting someone for the first time isn't that big of a deal, but i don't fall in love easily, and head over heels doesn't seem that far fetched with this one. i had to slow myself down to stop thinking about the future we could have.
i knew it was love at first sight with this PR firm. i've had a PR crush on LaunchSquad PR since the first time i saw them in PR weekly. and yes, i'm a nerdy enough 23 year old that i follow a trade magazine.
when i was younger i dreamed of being everything from a dancer, to a veterinarian, to a New York Yankee, to a lawyer, to a sports broadcaster. when i got into college, as mentioned in previous posts, i developed a slightly more corporate dream of practicing PR. it's been said that you can't explain to your own mother the definition of "Public Relations." in fact, there are people in this world who think they are practicing PR, and are actually practicing marketing or advertising. with this murkiness, it's easy to see how every firm can do PR a little differently. thus, wide-eyed aspiring PR practitioners/artists/employees/nerds often develop favorites. the lucky ones, and hopefully talented and proactive ones, get hired by their PR superheros, and in this economy are lucky to get hired at all. this Monday, it wasn't a bird, it wasn't a plane. it was LaunchSquad PR calling. they proposed to me a job, and i couldn't have said i do any faster.
two hours later, my sister landed an acting gig in addition to her steady acting job. we were ecstatic, frequently checking in with my fly-by-night adventure mom and dad, who are vacationing/working (respectively) in beautiful Phoenix while my dad is on an account in Arizona. for anyone who knows my mother, we are all startled by how good she has gotten at 1)spontaneously going with the flow 2)sitting still and relaxing.
less than a week prior, i was laid up watching post-season baseball (no complaints) and staring at my white walls while dwelling in unemployed self pity and swelling ankle sprain pain (many complaints). earlier i had been piggybacked to the ER by my friend/savior who had noted that my ankle looked like it was pregnant with another ankle. it seemed like a physical representation of the seven months of job hunting that was soon coming to an end, unknown to me at the time.
less than three months ago i was miserably unemployed, my parents couldn't move their on-the-market home, and my sister was an actress who was humming along at a day job.
now, i am going steady with my PR crush, my sister is an actress both to pay her bills and to practice, and my parents will be living in New York at the end of the month and ignored my phone calls today because they fell asleep at poolside. they aren't as sorry as they pretend. they plan to see the grand canyon while they are out there.
it's amazing how life can change on a whim. at one point, life had changed to losing employment status (and an actual romantic break up), sickness and sinus surgery for my sister, and tons of stress and preparation for a house sale.
but that's what's beautiful about spiraling into unpredictable tunnels of change that are sometimes negative; there is light at the end of it. change happens, for better for worse, as long as LaunchSquad and i shall live.
i'll let you know where we register.
-k.
----------------
Now playing: Phil Collins - You Can't Hurry Love
via FoxyTunes
Showing posts with label sisters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sisters. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 13
Friday, September 17
lessons learned from moving.
for mom, dad, and Lydia
as t --> infinity.
the audible creek from our old wooden kitchen floor lulled slow and steady as i swayed back and forth with my dad holding me tight and dancing. i harked back to the countless times my dad and i danced, remembering when i was waist high and standing on his toes and we'd slowly rotate. that was about 15 years and two feet ago. rotating now from our makeshift dance floor, the viewpoint yields an empty refrigerator, once flooding with photos, and a cold, blank wooden door, once plastered with childhood artwork.
my mom always says that Binghamton gave us roots and that moving onto New Jersey and New York City gave us wings. preserving consistency with the metaphor, i asked my mom how she felt about branching out from these roots, which have been home for my entire life and longer. she said that she feels as though we've gotten all of the home out of this house.
my parents did the snowbird gimmick for a while and flew to Florida to escape the harsh Binghamton winter cold and gray skies. this was particularly awesome for me because the Yankees spring training happens to be in said state. i remember my dad and i unsuccessfully trying to dodge Florida traffic late after i landed at the Tampa airport. we finally arrived at their Lakeland apartment, and my mom's mission was to organize our endless pile of photographs scattered about the floor. it was then that my mom first made mention of not staying in Binghamton too much longer, and i told her home was wherever she and my dad were.
the house has been on the market for about a year. apparently the economy and housing market aren't so great or something. coincidentally it was about a year ago that 124 Rosedale made its home-to-house transformation. we've been ready, and my parents have been up for an adventure, intending to sublet in New York City, our now collective wings, until the end of the year, and once again escape to Florida for the winter.
selling the house has taught me a lot. it taught me that HGTV is all you really need to sell a house. it taught me that when a baseball obsession starts inside the heart of a blonde thirdgrader adorned in navy blue pinstripes, it grows into a collection 14 t-shirts, (after already seceding at least nine to bedbugs) and over 30 issues of Yankee magazine. it taught me that sifting through your childhood still instills the feeling that your older sister is SO cool. it taught me that three women can collect a LOT of unnecessary crap. it taught me that my dad had longish hair once?! it taught me that horseback riding results in some gorgeous pictures. it taught me that swim team had too many ribbons, and every other sport has too many trophies. it taught me that the lens of a camera takes a very different picture than when viewed through the lens of an adult eye. it reminded me that Mrs. Juriewicz was such a good teacher i didn't hate math. it reminded me that my dad always pitched or coached my softball league. always. it proved further that the sensitivity of my mother's heart outweighs her body, and that my family clung to my dad's amazing strength in hard times for a reason, and that i will forever feed off of it. it showed me even more that my parent's marriage has lasted over 32 years because it's an example of marriage in it's purest form.
growth was the best lesson. personal growth is frequently evaluated by the wise, but considering the growth of a unit is underestimated. a significant marker for my family is coming up on Saturday, and our house closes on Monday. i've been thinking about where we were as a group even less than five years ago. right now, my family has the blessing of coasting. we all wake up and go to bed with smiles on our faces. what happens during the day has been good news or status quo. what was once navigating tricky traumas and waves of pain has faded to smooth sailing through calm waters and tranquil seas. the other side of pain has proven worth it. it's hard to believe that there is light as the end of the tunnel when you can't see it, or it's arresting you in blinding pain. but it's there. adolescence forces your relationships to grow because you are growing into yourself. with self-discovery comes the definition of relationships outside of yourself, especially with those who you see you every day and love you anyway.
when you are around 5 your parents are your all knowing guide and ultimate source of sustainability. when you are around 15 your parents are wrong, or they are right but suck because they aren't right in the way that you are right. when you are around 25, your parents go from being mommy and daddy to mom and dad, still serving as a compass for direction but with the filter of adulthood. it's fun to see your parents grow. i don't know if my parents would fulfill the freedom that they have. i don't know if they'd have the courage or desire for a trial run in Manhattan five years ago. i don't know if they would throw caution to the wind, assuredly a well thought out, carefully plotted throw, but a throw none the less. i don't know if they'd eat through the rhythm of life the way that they are. seeing your parents grow is a fantastically fun realization; we don't always give them enough credit for this. they are your parents. the are supposed to be completely developed and infallible; that's why their mistakes hit with a crucial punch and land with disbelief. my parents have done something amazing. my parents have planted "home" inside of us as individuals, but also created a thread of continuity that runs through all of us.
the YES network over hyped the concept of the "Core Four" this post season, noting the four Yankees that have weathered the ups and downs of Yankee years since 1996, including five world series victories. they completely sweep the fact that andy pettitte left under the rug--ah, the benefits of having your own network. my sister would joke that the Core Four were like the cool kids' lunch table and that they were reading Eat. Pray. Love. in the Core Four book club. now, we refer to ourselves as the Core Four, though our core is a little more solid than contract negotiations and aging careers. every family starts as wide-eyed rookies--life is a new role as children or parents. hopefully, if you grow enough together, you get to enjoy the championships, and can manage when the best pitcher in post season history blows a save. in the bottom of the 9th. in game 7. of the WORLD SERIES. life can be hard.
the inside of my parents wedding rings read "as time goes to infinity." this has been tried, tested, and is true.
i'm just glad we have more staying power the Core Four South Paw.
-k.
as t --> infinity.
the audible creek from our old wooden kitchen floor lulled slow and steady as i swayed back and forth with my dad holding me tight and dancing. i harked back to the countless times my dad and i danced, remembering when i was waist high and standing on his toes and we'd slowly rotate. that was about 15 years and two feet ago. rotating now from our makeshift dance floor, the viewpoint yields an empty refrigerator, once flooding with photos, and a cold, blank wooden door, once plastered with childhood artwork.
my mom always says that Binghamton gave us roots and that moving onto New Jersey and New York City gave us wings. preserving consistency with the metaphor, i asked my mom how she felt about branching out from these roots, which have been home for my entire life and longer. she said that she feels as though we've gotten all of the home out of this house.
my parents did the snowbird gimmick for a while and flew to Florida to escape the harsh Binghamton winter cold and gray skies. this was particularly awesome for me because the Yankees spring training happens to be in said state. i remember my dad and i unsuccessfully trying to dodge Florida traffic late after i landed at the Tampa airport. we finally arrived at their Lakeland apartment, and my mom's mission was to organize our endless pile of photographs scattered about the floor. it was then that my mom first made mention of not staying in Binghamton too much longer, and i told her home was wherever she and my dad were.
the house has been on the market for about a year. apparently the economy and housing market aren't so great or something. coincidentally it was about a year ago that 124 Rosedale made its home-to-house transformation. we've been ready, and my parents have been up for an adventure, intending to sublet in New York City, our now collective wings, until the end of the year, and once again escape to Florida for the winter.
selling the house has taught me a lot. it taught me that HGTV is all you really need to sell a house. it taught me that when a baseball obsession starts inside the heart of a blonde thirdgrader adorned in navy blue pinstripes, it grows into a collection 14 t-shirts, (after already seceding at least nine to bedbugs) and over 30 issues of Yankee magazine. it taught me that sifting through your childhood still instills the feeling that your older sister is SO cool. it taught me that three women can collect a LOT of unnecessary crap. it taught me that my dad had longish hair once?! it taught me that horseback riding results in some gorgeous pictures. it taught me that swim team had too many ribbons, and every other sport has too many trophies. it taught me that the lens of a camera takes a very different picture than when viewed through the lens of an adult eye. it reminded me that Mrs. Juriewicz was such a good teacher i didn't hate math. it reminded me that my dad always pitched or coached my softball league. always. it proved further that the sensitivity of my mother's heart outweighs her body, and that my family clung to my dad's amazing strength in hard times for a reason, and that i will forever feed off of it. it showed me even more that my parent's marriage has lasted over 32 years because it's an example of marriage in it's purest form.
growth was the best lesson. personal growth is frequently evaluated by the wise, but considering the growth of a unit is underestimated. a significant marker for my family is coming up on Saturday, and our house closes on Monday. i've been thinking about where we were as a group even less than five years ago. right now, my family has the blessing of coasting. we all wake up and go to bed with smiles on our faces. what happens during the day has been good news or status quo. what was once navigating tricky traumas and waves of pain has faded to smooth sailing through calm waters and tranquil seas. the other side of pain has proven worth it. it's hard to believe that there is light as the end of the tunnel when you can't see it, or it's arresting you in blinding pain. but it's there. adolescence forces your relationships to grow because you are growing into yourself. with self-discovery comes the definition of relationships outside of yourself, especially with those who you see you every day and love you anyway.
when you are around 5 your parents are your all knowing guide and ultimate source of sustainability. when you are around 15 your parents are wrong, or they are right but suck because they aren't right in the way that you are right. when you are around 25, your parents go from being mommy and daddy to mom and dad, still serving as a compass for direction but with the filter of adulthood. it's fun to see your parents grow. i don't know if my parents would fulfill the freedom that they have. i don't know if they'd have the courage or desire for a trial run in Manhattan five years ago. i don't know if they would throw caution to the wind, assuredly a well thought out, carefully plotted throw, but a throw none the less. i don't know if they'd eat through the rhythm of life the way that they are. seeing your parents grow is a fantastically fun realization; we don't always give them enough credit for this. they are your parents. the are supposed to be completely developed and infallible; that's why their mistakes hit with a crucial punch and land with disbelief. my parents have done something amazing. my parents have planted "home" inside of us as individuals, but also created a thread of continuity that runs through all of us.
the YES network over hyped the concept of the "Core Four" this post season, noting the four Yankees that have weathered the ups and downs of Yankee years since 1996, including five world series victories. they completely sweep the fact that andy pettitte left under the rug--ah, the benefits of having your own network. my sister would joke that the Core Four were like the cool kids' lunch table and that they were reading Eat. Pray. Love. in the Core Four book club. now, we refer to ourselves as the Core Four, though our core is a little more solid than contract negotiations and aging careers. every family starts as wide-eyed rookies--life is a new role as children or parents. hopefully, if you grow enough together, you get to enjoy the championships, and can manage when the best pitcher in post season history blows a save. in the bottom of the 9th. in game 7. of the WORLD SERIES. life can be hard.
the inside of my parents wedding rings read "as time goes to infinity." this has been tried, tested, and is true.
i'm just glad we have more staying power the Core Four South Paw.
-k.
Friday, February 26
it's the universe, mannn.
my sister's believes that the universe takes care of you when you take care of yourself. i think this makes her a hippie. but her theory may be correct. life does tend to click when you make yourself a priority. the 'high's' that i previously discussed all hit when you are the largest portion on your plate. for a while, i made myself the vegetables that you don't want to eat and mush in with other food or fling across the room at said older sister.
i'm trying to do something for myself daily, particularly while i am unemployed, so that i don't fall into the same trap i did over the summer. my last round of job hunting, which started in May, was particularly taxing because i hadn't been unemployed/not interning since i was 16. i went a little stir crazy. i would sit at my computer, blasting out cover letters and resumes to the masses, personally telling these hundreds of companies that we were mutually eachothers 'best fit.' surprisingly, this gave me little impetus to leave my apartment. many summer days were wasted in front of my lap top, trying to tweak what 'i was doing wrong.'
"it's the economy, stupid!"
i wasn't doing anything wrong, but a lot of my life got out of balance. the only way i was connected to PR was through the work i was voluntarily doing, which thank goodness i was. i gained weight, my stubborn skin broke out again, there was little reason to open the blinds in my apartment, and i was stuck alone with my head.
so this time i am taking control. forcing myself to leave the apartment is half the battle, because once i'm out there, i get to go play in new york city :) once i devised this plan, i got a job interview--for later today. i'm actually nervous, but that's a different post for a different time.
yesterday i went to take pictures in central park. it was beautiful, and also disgusting. it was probably not in the best interest of my immune system, my footwear, or my camera, but i think it was still in my overall best interest.
the universe (and my awesome friend Lindsay) totally responded, maaaan. (insert marijuana intake here). i got a phone inquiring if i wanted to go see john mayer for free/the price of a few beers at Madison Square Garden. i got the phone call five minutes before doors were opening. I. Heart. Manhattan. i was there 45 minutes later, including a hair straightening between the phone call and my arrival. and by was there i mean i was in the 18th row, singing Vultures and dancing to myself.
i have only been to Madison Square Garden for one other concert in my life which was also unexpectedly awesome in a somewhat more planned way. that concert, nearly a year-and-a-half beforehand, marked the start of the traditional calling of my cousin Elisabeth during every concert, coverband, crappy bar houseband, etc. she and i are somewhat musical soulmates. it was with great anticipation i awaited the dialing.
it is generally accepted that John Mayer is an asshole. or at the very least has said some asshole things, including racial slurs and his search for the "Joshua Tree of vaginas." he's lucky he picked Joshua Tree because every other U2 album sucks. i may not have seen him if he had said 'Zooropa' i may not have gone to his show. at one point in his amazing set, he said that "he never meant to sound like an asshole, but that there are a lot of assholes who have said that, so he understands." this sparked two thoughts. first, if he is an asshole, which i think he is, he's at least a real person of an asshole, which i can at least accept. second, shut up and go back to singing. it's like tiger woods...go play golf! they are both the best at what they do, so go do it.
i am rarely speechless, especially when it comes to musicians, but there are few words to describe the level of awesome that resonated from the stage. and i mean awesome as in i was actually in awe, not like the 1993 skateboarding terms (which is also when U2's 'Zooropa' came out I think...definitely NOT awesome).
what an evening. i guess i owe Lindsay and the universe a big thanks. oh and john mayer's not too bad either.
-k.
i'm trying to do something for myself daily, particularly while i am unemployed, so that i don't fall into the same trap i did over the summer. my last round of job hunting, which started in May, was particularly taxing because i hadn't been unemployed/not interning since i was 16. i went a little stir crazy. i would sit at my computer, blasting out cover letters and resumes to the masses, personally telling these hundreds of companies that we were mutually eachothers 'best fit.' surprisingly, this gave me little impetus to leave my apartment. many summer days were wasted in front of my lap top, trying to tweak what 'i was doing wrong.'
"it's the economy, stupid!"
i wasn't doing anything wrong, but a lot of my life got out of balance. the only way i was connected to PR was through the work i was voluntarily doing, which thank goodness i was. i gained weight, my stubborn skin broke out again, there was little reason to open the blinds in my apartment, and i was stuck alone with my head.
so this time i am taking control. forcing myself to leave the apartment is half the battle, because once i'm out there, i get to go play in new york city :) once i devised this plan, i got a job interview--for later today. i'm actually nervous, but that's a different post for a different time.
yesterday i went to take pictures in central park. it was beautiful, and also disgusting. it was probably not in the best interest of my immune system, my footwear, or my camera, but i think it was still in my overall best interest.
the universe (and my awesome friend Lindsay) totally responded, maaaan. (insert marijuana intake here). i got a phone inquiring if i wanted to go see john mayer for free/the price of a few beers at Madison Square Garden. i got the phone call five minutes before doors were opening. I. Heart. Manhattan. i was there 45 minutes later, including a hair straightening between the phone call and my arrival. and by was there i mean i was in the 18th row, singing Vultures and dancing to myself.
i have only been to Madison Square Garden for one other concert in my life which was also unexpectedly awesome in a somewhat more planned way. that concert, nearly a year-and-a-half beforehand, marked the start of the traditional calling of my cousin Elisabeth during every concert, coverband, crappy bar houseband, etc. she and i are somewhat musical soulmates. it was with great anticipation i awaited the dialing.
it is generally accepted that John Mayer is an asshole. or at the very least has said some asshole things, including racial slurs and his search for the "Joshua Tree of vaginas." he's lucky he picked Joshua Tree because every other U2 album sucks. i may not have seen him if he had said 'Zooropa' i may not have gone to his show. at one point in his amazing set, he said that "he never meant to sound like an asshole, but that there are a lot of assholes who have said that, so he understands." this sparked two thoughts. first, if he is an asshole, which i think he is, he's at least a real person of an asshole, which i can at least accept. second, shut up and go back to singing. it's like tiger woods...go play golf! they are both the best at what they do, so go do it.
i am rarely speechless, especially when it comes to musicians, but there are few words to describe the level of awesome that resonated from the stage. and i mean awesome as in i was actually in awe, not like the 1993 skateboarding terms (which is also when U2's 'Zooropa' came out I think...definitely NOT awesome).
what an evening. i guess i owe Lindsay and the universe a big thanks. oh and john mayer's not too bad either.
-k.
Tuesday, December 15
grow accustomed to the darkness and see what you're supposed to see...
"head up straight i know what i'm doing
head up straight i know what i'm doing
head up straight i know what i'm doing
...i don't"
lately these lyrics from Charlotte Martin's 'Four Walls' are cycling through my head. after a good cry with my sister i was thinking about how full of shit we all are. hear me out.
i think the smartest people aren't necessarily the most knowledgeable, but are the people who realize that constantly learning is an invaluable skill. the smartest people are the ones that don't fear the unknown as a threat, but view it as an opportunity. the smartest people are the ones who plunge into uncharted territory while recognizing limitations. the smartest people don't struggle for control of the uncontrollable or even fully want to. the smartest people admit that we may have knowledge--even expertise--in some areas--but as far as life in general goes, we have no idea what the hell we are doing. the smartest people recognize their limitations and weaknesses, and utilize their strengths to change them. the smartest people, in my estimation, seem to be the most courageous. and it takes a lot of courage to admit that there is no tried and true universal formula for how every is supposed to live. and it takes a lot courage to have faith that this is true.
earlier i was discussing with my friend that i feel the fundamental difference between she and i is that i start from a guarded place and break walls down while she is naturally unguarded and has to work to protect herself by constructing walls. together, we could save an emotional construction company a lot of money. neither of these philosophies is better than the other and they both provide an oddly fresh perspective. but the valuable common thread that they do share is gauging where your 'smarts' according to my definition is. and i am no Merriam Webster. but there is a certain level of trust that neither of us have a real answer as to what works more efficiently.
when i was young and my parents struggled to answer the weird questions only kids can raise, they used to say that they would "look that up in the parenting handbook." they were pretty upset when they found out that my sister and i didn't pop out with some kind of hand out. i remember my mom had a Girl Scouts handbook, but I think that was more about badges and cookie sales sheets. similarly there is no handbook to life. we can only assume that life is supposed to turn out this way, because it is. if you don't believe this, you will probably swim in a sea of regret until you drown, and with any luck end up here anyway. if you escape the harsh waves, you make the best of what's around.
lately, according to my own definition of smart--well let's just say i haven't hinted at shattering the blond stereotype. i've been fighting for control that i don't have, and won't have, across the board. i've been so worried about keeping it together i've forgotten the value in falling apart--or even just being a little messy. i've forgotten that there is a middle ground between being buttoned up and a total disaster. it's called human or something.
what i was able to sort out that everything is as complicated as you make it. sometimes complicated is good. complicated can yield depth--it can lead you to places you would never go. i know plenty of people who have depth that never have faced traumas, but sometimes the road to depth is messy.
but other times me just need to K.I.S.S. and keep it simple, stupid. or an 80's metal band. or an affectionate verb. sometimes all are required. most encounters in life are complicated enough. if we add our own baggage to the recipe, we are only tangling the web further. sometimes this is inevitable, and we can only manage where we are emotionally. but other times the answer it just to boil it down to it's raw bare bones. if your past is hindering your present, how the hell do you expect to build a future.
i'm working on making my daily life as simple as those "see spot run" books.
i'm trying to keep things simple--even my predicates.
-k.
----------------
Now playing: Missy Higgins - Any Day Now
via FoxyTunes
head up straight i know what i'm doing
head up straight i know what i'm doing
...i don't"
lately these lyrics from Charlotte Martin's 'Four Walls' are cycling through my head. after a good cry with my sister i was thinking about how full of shit we all are. hear me out.
i think the smartest people aren't necessarily the most knowledgeable, but are the people who realize that constantly learning is an invaluable skill. the smartest people are the ones that don't fear the unknown as a threat, but view it as an opportunity. the smartest people are the ones who plunge into uncharted territory while recognizing limitations. the smartest people don't struggle for control of the uncontrollable or even fully want to. the smartest people admit that we may have knowledge--even expertise--in some areas--but as far as life in general goes, we have no idea what the hell we are doing. the smartest people recognize their limitations and weaknesses, and utilize their strengths to change them. the smartest people, in my estimation, seem to be the most courageous. and it takes a lot of courage to admit that there is no tried and true universal formula for how every is supposed to live. and it takes a lot courage to have faith that this is true.
earlier i was discussing with my friend that i feel the fundamental difference between she and i is that i start from a guarded place and break walls down while she is naturally unguarded and has to work to protect herself by constructing walls. together, we could save an emotional construction company a lot of money. neither of these philosophies is better than the other and they both provide an oddly fresh perspective. but the valuable common thread that they do share is gauging where your 'smarts' according to my definition is. and i am no Merriam Webster. but there is a certain level of trust that neither of us have a real answer as to what works more efficiently.
when i was young and my parents struggled to answer the weird questions only kids can raise, they used to say that they would "look that up in the parenting handbook." they were pretty upset when they found out that my sister and i didn't pop out with some kind of hand out. i remember my mom had a Girl Scouts handbook, but I think that was more about badges and cookie sales sheets. similarly there is no handbook to life. we can only assume that life is supposed to turn out this way, because it is. if you don't believe this, you will probably swim in a sea of regret until you drown, and with any luck end up here anyway. if you escape the harsh waves, you make the best of what's around.
lately, according to my own definition of smart--well let's just say i haven't hinted at shattering the blond stereotype. i've been fighting for control that i don't have, and won't have, across the board. i've been so worried about keeping it together i've forgotten the value in falling apart--or even just being a little messy. i've forgotten that there is a middle ground between being buttoned up and a total disaster. it's called human or something.
what i was able to sort out that everything is as complicated as you make it. sometimes complicated is good. complicated can yield depth--it can lead you to places you would never go. i know plenty of people who have depth that never have faced traumas, but sometimes the road to depth is messy.
but other times me just need to K.I.S.S. and keep it simple, stupid. or an 80's metal band. or an affectionate verb. sometimes all are required. most encounters in life are complicated enough. if we add our own baggage to the recipe, we are only tangling the web further. sometimes this is inevitable, and we can only manage where we are emotionally. but other times the answer it just to boil it down to it's raw bare bones. if your past is hindering your present, how the hell do you expect to build a future.
i'm working on making my daily life as simple as those "see spot run" books.
i'm trying to keep things simple--even my predicates.
-k.
----------------
Now playing: Missy Higgins - Any Day Now
via FoxyTunes
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