you fall apart again, and you can't find a friend

don't turn to someone else, cause they won't understand, i don't wanna hear you say, that you miss yesterday, if you don't like what you see, that means nothing to me.
-Fall Apart Again, Brandi Carlile

my dad was late to his own wedding because he and his fellow groomsmen were listening to Steve Martin's comedy album while getting ready.  i guess this is why i'm often late to things and why i have a crush on Steve Martin.
in his book, Steve Martin writes about mastering the concept of tension and release. through experience and psychology courses, he learned that the greater you build the tension, the greater the comedic payoff when the punchline releases a joke. this drove his comedy career, cementing his place as a defining father of stand-up comedy, a growing and changing art.
tension and release is also identified in music. one of my favorite examples is Brandi Carlile's "Pride and Joy." it's absurdly evident in the live version, that you can see here.  music's greatest catharsis is when a song's arrangement changes from tension to release. this is a song's pinnacle.  often, the lyrics correspond accordingly, setting free all that you're emotions and the song built.

life's most clarifying moments yield from tension and release as well.  often times, you have to create your own release, because circumstances are out of your control. as other people draw unexpected lines, or cross lines that you made clear, it may change how you color them in.  these lines often get drawn into a question mark.  these transitions, which tend to layer themselves with the little hells that life naturally drops on us, are trials in independence.  it is undoubtedly painful to when you discover that the priorities of a relationship no longer match. maybe they were mismatched all along, but the revelation can leave you feeling like a fool.  but, it can also cultivate independence.

you are your safest bet.  sometimes these changes are simply reminders of that.  you have to be able to sit still with yourself.  you take back the alone time you were sacrificing; you make safe all those sanctuaries that you once thought sharing added value to.  in the interest of self-respect, you have to follow through on the demands you made from the beginning, no matter how badly you want the other person to be able to have their cake and eat it, too.  this is natural, because if someone had the power to hurt you, you probably care about them.  if you set a threshold that someone else breaks, you're still left with a mess, but the relieving part is that you get to choose how you clean it up.  when damage is done, don't expect someone else to try and heal you, nor do you owe it to them to try so hard to make things "right," or atleast what was your previous definition of right.  all that's left is to learn.  to be your own phoneix and rise by yourself from the fiery ash of a shared how-things-were. 

i've never done well when i knew the people i cared about most were squirming.  it interferes with my own happiness.  but maybe new-found boundaries can allow you to create your own happiness free from others desires. when your mind is shifting with everything else, you have to look inward.  you can never get away from who you are, even when you want to, so you might as well make sure you'll never let yourself down. others always will, and maybe that's not as depressing as it sounds.  maybe it makes sure we will follow through on who we are.

there is a difference between being guarded and having a strong and healthy relationship with yourself.  it's also the easiest relationship to sacrifice, because by definition it will always be there in some respect.  you still have to water your seeds.  you have to be your own object of least neglect.  maintaining yourself will unlock doors nobody would ever open.

just try not to make others late to their own weddings.
-k.

-k.

seven habits of highly effective blogging.

i know two dudes in Astoria and i know where they keep their spare keys. this way i can let myself in rather than wait at the door for five minutes while they argue about who has to pause episodes of 21 jump street or take a break from the monkey balloon hunt game to let me in.

recently i let myself into their Astoria abode, "the Basment Upstairs" (www.basementupstairs.blogspot.com.... you're welcome) as one of the apartmates, Dan, was taking a shower and the other, James, was at work. i snagged a beer from the fridge and picked up "The 7 habits of highly effective people" off of the coffee table, which was covered in boy things, like video games and batteries and take out menus. on it's most basic level i HATE this book. i hate any book that says you must possess a specific set of traits to function a certain way, never mind in a completely subjective and immeasurable 'highly effective way.' but Dan takes long showers because of his lucious ladymane, so i made some headway into Sean Covey's infamous-and-possibly overrated--work. from my 48 page glance, it seems like the guy may have a point or something.

he introduces the habit of interdependence. i don't think interdependence is a habit as much as a trait, and i don't know if it drives us to be 'highly effective,' a definition which he never clearly defines. interdependence can arguably make us healthier. but underneath these technicalities lays a genuine core. interdependence, to paraphrase Covey, is the middle ground between fierce independence and poisonous dependence--a tip off that your stability is reliant on outside players. too much independence, which is where i lay when straying from interdependence, can keep you from being a 'team player' in the office. you become so self-reliant that you ignore others clear cut cues into the task. too much dependence makes you appear lazy and as if you have no mind of your own. interdependence is the balanced scale that prevents us from relying on others to make our personal goals a reality, but it welcomes improvements and support from others and won't fortify the guard that is naturally ingrained into "professionalism" or i believe, "life in general." it's a learned skill and evolutionary process. it demands the frequently discussed self awareness factor.

we sometimes forget to check in with ourselves--probably because everyone else gives their two cents whether we ask for spare change or not. we are bound to tilt toward independence or dependence--nobody is that 'effective' 100% of the time--but if we are trying to crawl toward the center, we're stepping in the right direction. the more clearly we see our proven strengths, weaknesses, morals, values, dreams, hopes, and what not, we also have a less cloudy definition of our role as employee, brother/sister, friend, son/daughter, mother/father, romantic partner in crime. the outlook on your internal relationship isn't so overcast, either. the version or image we project of ourselves doesn't always align with who we know we actually are. who we actually are acknowledges flaws; flaws that we are bound to try and bury when projecting an image to others. the more clearly defined we are through interdependence, the closer who you are and the image you project are to overlapping. and as the degree of separation between these lessens, the more confident we are in who we are. it's clear. interdependence is a fast track to balance and self-criticism. it's up to you whether it's constructive. like any self-assessment, it requires risk. you may not like everything you see in your reflection, and asking others to help change this is hard when you're staring at yourself. asking them not to take the reins entirely is also tricky. unbridled dependence means that we aren't in control, and we won't learn for next time. we can't concede our sense of self and backbone because it's easier to dodge accountability and fear. blinding independence is a speedy highway that constructs roadblocks with your internal and external relationships. if we strive for interdependence and fall out one side of the scale, at least we know we were reaching for the best version of ourselves. if we jump to dependence or independence, we find false safety cleverly and foolishly disguised as superb trust of false hyperproactivity. young adults often wear masks at each stop on this spectrum before discovering this sweet spot, and when we hit this stride we're scared to fall into it because of it's comfort. i've danced on both wings, and i'm glad i battled toward interdependence than hid anywhere else.

it's been sort of effective or whatever.
-k.



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