Yesterday was the best day ever, and then I had a bad night because someone I really care about is in a whole mess of pain.
But I have learned that this brutal night cap to my awesome day does not alter the awesomeness of the day that I had. Pain that cuts so overwhelmingly deep does not mean the good is lost, or even buried underneath. A really good day and a really bad night can co-exist. And when you're at your computer, blogging on your blog, thinking all of the thoughts and feeling all of the feelings, you can choose whether the good or the bad is significant.
Lately I've been grappling with the champagne problem of life running smoothly, and my explosive and cathartic need to write has simmered, even though my desire to maintain my blog is as fiery as ever.
I refuse to stop writing simply because my life is great. My life has always been great, even when it's shit. I SUPER refuse to be one of those masochistic artists who inflict pain upon themselves to generate more material. The truly talented have unlocked the chains of hurt, often with or through art, and are free to be happy and be creative. And even me, who LOVES 90's grunge, gets tired of the tortured artist act (except for Alice in Chains, especially the Dirt album, Soundgarden, Pearl Jam, and very select Nirvana).
It's not as if I haven't previously been thankful for every blessing that I have. I've not only counted them, I've connected to them so tightly that I'm consumed by them, comprised of them. I am my blessings. But, when grateful is your default, the sharp need to write dulls a bit.
It's almost as if the universe was offended by my writing-under-happiness ways, and threw me an "LOL--Don't EVEN taunt me!" message. Right now, I still ache with pain from last night. The hurt is raw, and laying on the surface, still clouding my concentration, and leading the Occupy Kate's Heartstreet movement. I really haven't learned any lessons from it yet, and since it's a resurgence of past pain that I've work through, I honestly don't know if I will. So here I am, unprocessed, but still writing. In true PMA spirit, I'm choosing to write about the positive in my life. Because even in the thick of this pain, I can see my beautiful life and good fortune through this veil of negativity, and it is with certain hope that I know it will be lifted.
So now I'm going to write about why I love comedy, specifically stand up. Or in the words of Monty Python, "And now for something completely different..."
My therapist (why yes, I am a 20-something in New York City) also works for the legal system, doing psychological analysis of rapists and murderers. Fun, right? He said that with the horrific deeds that these people have done, it's sometimes hard to view them as human, and that often the only human connectivity comes through shared laughter. This makes sense to me.
Prepare to roll your eyes, critics-o-comedy, because the seeds of my stand-up comedy love were planted by Dane Cook.
As I mentioned, what I'm going through is a resurgence of past pain, super-surprisingly most of which took place in my adolescence. There weren't a whole lot of great days with bad nights. It felt like bad days with restless nights, and it didn't feel like a temporary veil of pain, but that type of pain where all of your surroundings have betrayed you.
But in a cloud of the searingly painful memories, one of my most piercing happy memories comes from Dane Cook's first Comedy Central special (Harmful If Swallowed). I'd never really watched stand up before, or knew too much about it other than that Steve Martin's album made my dad late for his own wedding. But there I was, flipping through channels, trying to distract myself from invading swells of hopelessness, marched forward by armies of relentless traumas, when something amazing happened: I laughed. Not the kind of laugh where you smirk and make sounds from your vocal chords, but the kind where you're upheaving laughter from your gut, where you're heart starts racing, and you're struggling to catch your breath. Watching comedy at it's best is cardiovascular exercise.
And then my dad came into the room, and he started laughing too. And then my sister did. She was literally on floor, in tears of hysterical laughter instead of hysterical pain, an all too foreign sight. I think my mom was in the kitchen, making dinner, and wondering what the hell was going on.
And in that moment, hopelessness disappeared.
Did it come back? Sure. But it taught me that the hopelessness can be just as temporary as the laughter, that the circumstances of being trapped in sorrow or showering in happiness can disappear in an instant, and that both are inevitable.
We can't always control what happens to us, but we can choose what will weigh more on our own personal scales. So in late hours of last night/the early hours of this morning, I turned to comedy to tip mine in the direction of happiness. I queued up comedians who have helped me through my worst, who I'll never be able to thank in person, comedians who I do know who you'll probably never meet, and even queued up the muppets, who are really the childhood gateway drug of comedy enthusiasts.
For far too long, comedy has been viewed purely as entertainment and not an art form, because the end result is laughter. It feels like that mentality is changing, and I hope it is. To those who don't, seek comedy when sad. To comedians who are already making waves, please don't stop. And to comedians who travel an hour to perform seven unpaid minutes of material to four people in a basement, don't stop either, because you never know who's life you may be changing.
Laughter can be an indicator of something greater than "thinking something is funny." Sometimes it's indicative of the disappearance of sadness, hopelessness, anger, bitterness, and fear.
Thank you, Dane.
-k
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 12
Monday, January 31
"there's nothing better than affairs of the heart, to make you feel so good then tear you apart"
i went to a concert and then to another concert last Thursday. neither of them were Barenaked Ladies despite the title of this blog.
ain't no blizzard gonna slow me down.
staggering thru snowbanks and the underground scene with my friends is a pretty regular ritual. as we filed out of Rockwood music hall, we decided the next logical step was to enjoy New York's finest mediocre overpriced pizza. about three bites in we started talking about a song i've been working on, which inevitably lead to a discussion about feelings as most of my lyrics are infested with them. about six bites in, the conversation turned to relationships, particularly that exquisitely painful grey area that sometimes ensues. feeling as close to my friend as i do, and feeling that the man under the microscope is a genuinely good guy, i had no choice but to default to the "boys are dumb" defense. if the glove doesn't fit, boys are dumb. makes about as much sense and johnny cockrane.
after all pizza was overpaid for and rightfully devoured, this lead to a higher level conversation, which lead to this blog. the "boys are dumb" defense simply doesn't. partly because we aren't in first grade, and the extension of that elementary mentality doesn't translate in your 20s.
to say all boys (who we will refer to as "men") are guarded and all girls (who we will refer to as "women") are relationship happy/prone/desperate is a lie. i know plenty of emotionally unavailable women and plenty of men who "need" to be dating someone at all times. if we are all born as blank slates, we cannot intrinsically fall into these buckets. there are fundamental differences between men and women, but there are also fundamental similarities that we share as people. these seemingly unbreakable patterns don't filter because of gender, but are a product of how we are socialized. if men are the hunters and women are the gatherers by nature, we're still all coming back to the same cave. and that hunter may not be happy without a gatherer to call his own, and maybe that gatherer could gather the shit out just about anything on her own. we inevitably break towards the "unavailable" or the "needy" side, but that isn't because of some driving internal force determined by gender. it's shaped by our experiences as people--our triumphs, heartbreaks, points of prides, regrets, mistakes, and lessons learned. the best you can do is recognize which side you break on and crawl your way to balance. if you can't, see a therapist.
it's not easy to claw back to the center. the balance very rarely comes naturally, and the only people i know who it does come naturally to aren't in their 20s. they've had to train themselves to get to this point. as someone who airs on the side of guarded, i proactively try to stay to open. when the issue is how guarded you are, it's not fair to make your partner in crime do all the work. vulnerability sucks, but it's a gateway to trust. we have to turn down the alannis morisette and dodge the fear that flies at us and learn to stand still instead of running away and stop agreeing with chuck klosterman that nobody will ever fulfill anybody because ColdPlay exists, even though he's right. people who feel the need to be in a relationship have to proactively try to remind themselves how full their lives are. they have to turn down the bryan adams and do yoga and be okay with sitting alone at the cafe with their thoughts and selfprioritize. either way, it's work to keep yourself in check. it's a mentality shift and sometimes even a lifestyle change, and knowing yourself is the first step. it's like weight loss or addiction recovery or admitting you like to watch the Jersey Shore. also, none of this is gender specific.
maybe boys aren't dumb. maybe kermit the frog had it right all along though gramatically incorrect: peoples is peoples.
-k.
ain't no blizzard gonna slow me down.
staggering thru snowbanks and the underground scene with my friends is a pretty regular ritual. as we filed out of Rockwood music hall, we decided the next logical step was to enjoy New York's finest mediocre overpriced pizza. about three bites in we started talking about a song i've been working on, which inevitably lead to a discussion about feelings as most of my lyrics are infested with them. about six bites in, the conversation turned to relationships, particularly that exquisitely painful grey area that sometimes ensues. feeling as close to my friend as i do, and feeling that the man under the microscope is a genuinely good guy, i had no choice but to default to the "boys are dumb" defense. if the glove doesn't fit, boys are dumb. makes about as much sense and johnny cockrane.
after all pizza was overpaid for and rightfully devoured, this lead to a higher level conversation, which lead to this blog. the "boys are dumb" defense simply doesn't. partly because we aren't in first grade, and the extension of that elementary mentality doesn't translate in your 20s.
to say all boys (who we will refer to as "men") are guarded and all girls (who we will refer to as "women") are relationship happy/prone/desperate is a lie. i know plenty of emotionally unavailable women and plenty of men who "need" to be dating someone at all times. if we are all born as blank slates, we cannot intrinsically fall into these buckets. there are fundamental differences between men and women, but there are also fundamental similarities that we share as people. these seemingly unbreakable patterns don't filter because of gender, but are a product of how we are socialized. if men are the hunters and women are the gatherers by nature, we're still all coming back to the same cave. and that hunter may not be happy without a gatherer to call his own, and maybe that gatherer could gather the shit out just about anything on her own. we inevitably break towards the "unavailable" or the "needy" side, but that isn't because of some driving internal force determined by gender. it's shaped by our experiences as people--our triumphs, heartbreaks, points of prides, regrets, mistakes, and lessons learned. the best you can do is recognize which side you break on and crawl your way to balance. if you can't, see a therapist.
it's not easy to claw back to the center. the balance very rarely comes naturally, and the only people i know who it does come naturally to aren't in their 20s. they've had to train themselves to get to this point. as someone who airs on the side of guarded, i proactively try to stay to open. when the issue is how guarded you are, it's not fair to make your partner in crime do all the work. vulnerability sucks, but it's a gateway to trust. we have to turn down the alannis morisette and dodge the fear that flies at us and learn to stand still instead of running away and stop agreeing with chuck klosterman that nobody will ever fulfill anybody because ColdPlay exists, even though he's right. people who feel the need to be in a relationship have to proactively try to remind themselves how full their lives are. they have to turn down the bryan adams and do yoga and be okay with sitting alone at the cafe with their thoughts and selfprioritize. either way, it's work to keep yourself in check. it's a mentality shift and sometimes even a lifestyle change, and knowing yourself is the first step. it's like weight loss or addiction recovery or admitting you like to watch the Jersey Shore. also, none of this is gender specific.
maybe boys aren't dumb. maybe kermit the frog had it right all along though gramatically incorrect: peoples is peoples.
-k.
Thursday, August 6
fenksponse part deux.
"There are 2 classic stereotypes: guys are assholes, girls are crazy. Both of these things are true."
this should be fun.
when bryan noted the validity of these stereotypes, i knew i could provide ample amounts of evidence in support.
for the most part, i've always been a 'guys' girl. i swear, i'm obsessed with the yankees, i think family guy is hilarious, i've picked up a WWE habit--oh, and also i can't stand my own gender for the most part. you will see why.
let's start with guys are assholes. obvious choice. it was mentioned first, and ani difranco came on my itunes.
token girl comment: all guys are liars. bryan mentioned that all men claim they want the most intelligent girl, who challenges you in a healthy way, but maintains a warm heart. in actuality however, guys:
inevitably and instinctively go for the hottest girl in the room, or at least the one showing the most skin, who laughs at everything he says, even if it's just a quote from Tommy Boy screamed loud enough to be heard over the thumping deep house music and raucous cheering coming from the direction of the keg.
not only do i find this funny, but it's true. because when a guy is at a bar, he knows that his easiest target is the chick in high heels, a miniskirt and an oversized beaded necklace whose skin is tinted orange from the tanning salon and whose hair-dyed roots glisten under the strobe light. she sings along, but doesn't actually know the words to whatever blaring bruce springsteen or tom petty cover some mediocre band is doing an incredible disservice to. normally she seeks out guys dripping in sweat and hair gel, sporting too tight polos with popped collars and gold chains. but there you are--and if she can cut through that maze of shutter shades, and swim through the intoxikating (spelling pun very much intended, as all of my puns are)and overwhelming bath of Abercrombie cologne, she will think you, and all of your friends, are SO funny.
and when i say easiest target, i mean it in both the obvious ways, and that they are the easiest to be around. she can't see through your baggage, bullshit, damage, etc. or chooses not to in the hopes of scoring a free Lemon drop that she will probably do off of her friend's body. she will drunkenly stumble down one of two paths (assuming she makes it down the flight of stairs without breaking her leg first). she may use you for free alcohol, making a friendly departure, ignoring you for the rest of the night (a personal favorite)but promising you a facebook friend request the next morning. or, she will pretend to be timid, but concoct a grinding/dancing? sandwich between you and a friend. not only can she maintain her balance between you two, but she can, like, totally hook up with you if she wants, but still has her friend to save you in case you find someone else or cut off her alcohol flow. if you do find someone else, she will call that girl a slut, talk about how stupid her outfit is, and her friend will tell her how you weren't that cute anyway.
why were you wasting your time with this girl, other than the fact that her cleavage was on display like desserts in the rotating glass stands at truck stop diners? because she won't get close enough to hurt you. and depending on how fried her brain is from the tanning salon, she may be too dumb to try. but sometimes that makes her the smarter one. not because she is intelligent, but because she won't overextend herself into a vacant cause.
'asshole' guys tend to be more guarded and keep their emotions in the shadows. then, girls will whine that 'guys won't let them in,' and they are right. guys will then reply by telling you not to be a controlling bitch and that they don't actually have emotions. guys are just more logical, and 'don't want to talk about it.' and this mentality makes you more of a man.
no it doesn't. it makes you a wuss who won't let your guard down, take a risk, and trust again. and you would never admit it was from previous heartbreak either. ultimately, because then you would have to talk about it, and admit that you got hurt. and that's just not what tough guys do. they work on cars, and eat red meat, and tell girls to get lost when they 'JUST WANT MORE!' they will grab a few beers with the guys, talk about how jealous and psychotic you were, and then go find a new girl and coverband. rinse. repeat. so, you're kind of a jerk.
so how do women get deigned as the intolerable ones in my perspective? because from my experience, some crazy bitch drove a guy to be this asshole. perhaps it's more give and take than i have seen, but chicks thrive off of drama and the grey area shelter it provides. the truth is, guys do tend to be more logical, simple, and straightforward. girls tend to be more emotional, and so they are quicker to be unsatisfied with the status quo. so, when most guys are happy with what is supposed to be comfortable, girls unveil a plan for unrest and manufacture drama. the level of crazy varies, but generally remains stealthy enough to keep the transformation from healthy to unhealthy masked under the I'M CRAAAZY blanket.
and what a metamorphosis it is. everything a guy was doing suddenly cannot quench your insatiable thirst anymore. girls are suddenly sick of everything a guy was doing, and his adorable habits are suddenly annoying. the safety that you found in your stability now makes you yawn. you unnecessarily nitpick at meaningless aspects and nag about things he's been doing all along, which used to be fine. then, you complain that he won't spend any time with you. well maybe it's because you went nutso, lady. and girls wonder why guys just won't trust them when they won't stop analyzing their guy's coping habits to his new found not good enough status, and have their computer screens constantly monitoring every social media move.
STOP. BOTH OF YOU.
heal. grow up. take risks. trust. recognize a good thing when you have one. and break the cycle. and fly free from the obxious routine that IS the relationship cocoon.
-k.
----------------
Now playing: Ani DiFranco - 32 Flavors
via FoxyTunes
this should be fun.
when bryan noted the validity of these stereotypes, i knew i could provide ample amounts of evidence in support.
for the most part, i've always been a 'guys' girl. i swear, i'm obsessed with the yankees, i think family guy is hilarious, i've picked up a WWE habit--oh, and also i can't stand my own gender for the most part. you will see why.
let's start with guys are assholes. obvious choice. it was mentioned first, and ani difranco came on my itunes.
token girl comment: all guys are liars. bryan mentioned that all men claim they want the most intelligent girl, who challenges you in a healthy way, but maintains a warm heart. in actuality however, guys:
inevitably and instinctively go for the hottest girl in the room, or at least the one showing the most skin, who laughs at everything he says, even if it's just a quote from Tommy Boy screamed loud enough to be heard over the thumping deep house music and raucous cheering coming from the direction of the keg.
not only do i find this funny, but it's true. because when a guy is at a bar, he knows that his easiest target is the chick in high heels, a miniskirt and an oversized beaded necklace whose skin is tinted orange from the tanning salon and whose hair-dyed roots glisten under the strobe light. she sings along, but doesn't actually know the words to whatever blaring bruce springsteen or tom petty cover some mediocre band is doing an incredible disservice to. normally she seeks out guys dripping in sweat and hair gel, sporting too tight polos with popped collars and gold chains. but there you are--and if she can cut through that maze of shutter shades, and swim through the intoxikating (spelling pun very much intended, as all of my puns are)and overwhelming bath of Abercrombie cologne, she will think you, and all of your friends, are SO funny.
and when i say easiest target, i mean it in both the obvious ways, and that they are the easiest to be around. she can't see through your baggage, bullshit, damage, etc. or chooses not to in the hopes of scoring a free Lemon drop that she will probably do off of her friend's body. she will drunkenly stumble down one of two paths (assuming she makes it down the flight of stairs without breaking her leg first). she may use you for free alcohol, making a friendly departure, ignoring you for the rest of the night (a personal favorite)but promising you a facebook friend request the next morning. or, she will pretend to be timid, but concoct a grinding/dancing? sandwich between you and a friend. not only can she maintain her balance between you two, but she can, like, totally hook up with you if she wants, but still has her friend to save you in case you find someone else or cut off her alcohol flow. if you do find someone else, she will call that girl a slut, talk about how stupid her outfit is, and her friend will tell her how you weren't that cute anyway.
why were you wasting your time with this girl, other than the fact that her cleavage was on display like desserts in the rotating glass stands at truck stop diners? because she won't get close enough to hurt you. and depending on how fried her brain is from the tanning salon, she may be too dumb to try. but sometimes that makes her the smarter one. not because she is intelligent, but because she won't overextend herself into a vacant cause.
'asshole' guys tend to be more guarded and keep their emotions in the shadows. then, girls will whine that 'guys won't let them in,' and they are right. guys will then reply by telling you not to be a controlling bitch and that they don't actually have emotions. guys are just more logical, and 'don't want to talk about it.' and this mentality makes you more of a man.
no it doesn't. it makes you a wuss who won't let your guard down, take a risk, and trust again. and you would never admit it was from previous heartbreak either. ultimately, because then you would have to talk about it, and admit that you got hurt. and that's just not what tough guys do. they work on cars, and eat red meat, and tell girls to get lost when they 'JUST WANT MORE!' they will grab a few beers with the guys, talk about how jealous and psychotic you were, and then go find a new girl and coverband. rinse. repeat. so, you're kind of a jerk.
so how do women get deigned as the intolerable ones in my perspective? because from my experience, some crazy bitch drove a guy to be this asshole. perhaps it's more give and take than i have seen, but chicks thrive off of drama and the grey area shelter it provides. the truth is, guys do tend to be more logical, simple, and straightforward. girls tend to be more emotional, and so they are quicker to be unsatisfied with the status quo. so, when most guys are happy with what is supposed to be comfortable, girls unveil a plan for unrest and manufacture drama. the level of crazy varies, but generally remains stealthy enough to keep the transformation from healthy to unhealthy masked under the I'M CRAAAZY blanket.
and what a metamorphosis it is. everything a guy was doing suddenly cannot quench your insatiable thirst anymore. girls are suddenly sick of everything a guy was doing, and his adorable habits are suddenly annoying. the safety that you found in your stability now makes you yawn. you unnecessarily nitpick at meaningless aspects and nag about things he's been doing all along, which used to be fine. then, you complain that he won't spend any time with you. well maybe it's because you went nutso, lady. and girls wonder why guys just won't trust them when they won't stop analyzing their guy's coping habits to his new found not good enough status, and have their computer screens constantly monitoring every social media move.
STOP. BOTH OF YOU.
heal. grow up. take risks. trust. recognize a good thing when you have one. and break the cycle. and fly free from the obxious routine that IS the relationship cocoon.
-k.
----------------
Now playing: Ani DiFranco - 32 Flavors
via FoxyTunes
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