halted by independence.

tonight was one of those nights.
ot was one of those nights where you cannot stop analyzing yourself and the relationships you have with everyone around. you think. you question. you doubt. and 9 times out of 10 you end up back where you started, because really, where do you have to go?
i hate it when I feel like I am the only one taking initiative. it's an exhausting circumstance. one can only extend themselves so much. i am normally up for the task of being the assertive one, but lately for some reason I cannot. i've stated this idea previously: the most frustrating feeling is created when people can't make up the rest of the distance and you have already been going the extra mile. maybe this is nothing really; maybe it's because it is happening with people it doesn't usually happen with. maybe it's just a phase. maybe it's growth, or maybe I am just fed up. when I feel this way, I tend to look inward. please--excuse these next lines, for they are merely statements of self-analysis, but I do fear that they are quite relatable.
like most red-blooded Americans, I value independence. people who float through life taking no charge are wasting it. i love metaphors and cliches, but "Seize the Day" is not at the top of my list. no person should ever just seize a day. seize more. seize each moment, each opportunity, each fight, each kiss, each unjustified judgment you make, each regrettable thing you say, each compliment you give, or get, and of course each stupid blog that demonstrates more self analysis then you originally intended. one of my favorite, yet one of the most average sports broadcasters in baseball once said "whatever you do, just do it with a passion." at the risk of sounding like a speaker at a Graduation ceremony, I say embrace this notion. but is it possible that the same unbridled independence that achieves this passion can just as easily prevent us from things of equal importance?
i have always been proud of my independence. it has allowed me many keys to happiness. just as proud as I can be of this independence, I am halted by it. independence allows me not to rely on other people as much. it's a helluva way to build walls, don't you think? if we rely solely on ourselves, or at least on ourselves as much as possible, then we don't have to trust anyone else. if we don't trust, or rely on anyone else, how can they let you down? how can they hurt you if you remain inaccessible? this independence has formed me into someone who can create my own destiny; who makes my own decisions and doesn't wait for opportunity to come into my lap. but it also showed me how to remain guarded and build the most fortified of walls. the more trust that develops the less guarded I become and the more willing I am to listen to others advice. how is it that I can expect trust as a normal attribute, but the other end of the spectrum feels like the highest of betrayals? a break of trust is a thread of hurt that runs deep. yet, when someone keeps trust, I feel as that it's what they are "supposed" to do. maybe this hypersensitivity is what makes me a trustworthy friend. i can either be a vault that holds great trust, or a complete and utter contradiction to every word I just typed--and this second idea is no way to live. like most things in life, independence is a double edged sword., but what side will wear out first?

-k.