self sacrifice or sacrificing?

i'm a klutz. i often hurt myself with many ways--tripping, falling, walking into things. recently, i hyper extended my elbow, putting it in a vulnerable position of injury. Naturally, I hurt myself.

sometimes I think we can hyper extend our hearts. we often put them in positions that are vulnerable to injury. i've never been able to decipher when I was giving too much of myself and when I was giving enough--a fact which ultimately makes me insecure. these insecurities force me into a play it safe rather than sorry mentality. sometimes I end up overextending myself, as I give much and expect very little in return. it's an exhausting circumstance. when you demand so little and people still fall short, it's an astoundingly disappointment. it makes you wonder, what would happen if you demanded half of what you gave?

to some people this might seem like a somewhat torturous way of living, but for me it is not. when you do get something in return, it's very fulfilling. it's true that it can be an exhausting way to live, a painful way to live, or sometimes a way to live that doesn't seem worth it---but for me it is the only way to live. It is the only way I know how; it allows me to give without regret. if I don't give my all and someone let's me down, how will I know that there wasn't something more I could do to make it work? if I do everything that I possibly can to make a friendship, or any relationship work, then I can walk away not wondering, with no regrets on the table.

sometimes this may earn me the title of "mom" or people may view me as a caretaker. some people may even view it as fake, but its the most real thing that I do in my opinion. in reality, there is very little that is in our control, so I try to make everything that is under my control work the best it can, and reach it's fullest potential. i try and keep it consistent in every aspect of my life as well. for example, recently in my religious dimensions of life class, two people fell asleep, one with cell phone in hand, and two girls next to me were talking through the lecture and texting. the only thing more irritating than the taps of the cell phone keys was the blatant disrespect the students had for our professor. the class in 1:15 minutes long. it's from 2:30 PM-3:45 PM. if you can't stay awake in the middle of the day for just over an hour, take a nap before class, because that's pretty weak. i remember talking through class once---then I moved onto fourth grade. and texting? can it REALLY not wait until after class? is it that urgent of a topic? the blatant disrespect these students had for a professor was mind-boggling to me. call me old fashioned, but is it truly that difficult to give your all for 1:15 mins? granted I use instant messenger in class sometimes, but at least the teacher doesn't know, and I still take all of my notes.

as for me, I will do my best to take as much initiative as I can---and I will continue to count my blessings because many people around me also operate in a pretty selfless mindset, too.

-k.