though the skies may start to rain they're always blue

i feel good. it's unrelated to james brown.

one post ago--which i know the 'intoxikating' faithful nation read--i wrote about ups and downs. today i am pretty even-keeled.

two posts ago--which i know the 'intoxikating' faithful nation read--what i wrote was pretty depressing and a total downer. this may be it's antidote.

i'm recently unemployed and more single than i was a week ago. the past three months have been their own rollercoaster ride following the bedbug incident of 2009 (BB2K9). a recipe of dislodging, 'lonely,' and unemployed don't always yield the most uplifting results. but it's different when you move to a better place mentally and physically, are okay with yourself, and freelance.

i feel like i'm seeing clearly through the fast-pace chaos frenzy that often surrounds us. a good friend of my said of circumstance that 'you can't pay for that kind of clarity.' he's right...it's a good thing too because i can't afford to pay a lot.

i feel like i'm in a movie scene at a mall or an airport where i'm the character standing still while the people surrounding me are faceless and speeding around in fast forward. instead of struggling to control circumstances that are out of my range, i am controlling what's within my grasp: me. but i find this metaphor unsatisfactory.

people a lot smarter than i am somehow figured out that the calmest part of a storm is in the center--right in the eye of the tornado. i'm guessing this was a dangerous trial by error thing, like life can be. the further we deviate from center, the more likely our foundation is to be ripped up until you are out are the storm and far away from it's path.

i'm in the eye of the storm. i thought i wanted to be safely tucked into a basement somewhere on it's outskirts. i thought serenity came from protection, watching the Weather Channel and destruction from afar, counting our blessings. but that means i'm dodging the storm all together rather than tackling it. but there is more value in it's eye. you learn to maintain your center and travel with the storm. you can avoid damage by cutting through to the storm's core. you can manage yourself and follow it's path.

well i guess i'm Helen Hunt (in Twister--to my knowledge Mel Gibson has no ability to read my mind and i certainly don't own the awesome dog from 'Mad About You'). rather than run from the Storm of Life (how much does that sound like a self help book?) i'm doing a better job of tracking it (with the help of Bill Paxton). i'm changing what i can to rock this sucker from the inside. when the storm takes an unexpected turn, i am adapting. and when the storm revisits old doors that i thought were closed, and rips them off with a powerful ease, i'm still managing to keep control of myself, even if i can't control the situation itself.

and maybe that's As Good As It Gets.

-k.